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Saturday, 31 July 2010

Fashion Itself is Always on Time...



I am a dedicated follower of fashion and a great fan of time. The two are, in every way, linked. It is an unavoidable truth that fashions move with the times. It is as true as it is clichéd, and yet still too many question fashion's value in society and many educated people turn their noses up at what it has to say about the era in which it was conceived.

If you’re like me you’ve probably born the brunt of some scathing put-downs at the hands of those who think that by eschewing fashion and dismissing the whole industry as frivolously irrelevant, they are on the path to enlightenment. Well, they are fools. If they can't see how society and fashion are inextricably linked then they are blind.

After the frugality of WWII, the availability and affordability of luxury items changed the rapidity with which fashion was able to evolve. Since then, cultural and technological advancements have accelerated exponentially. The lives of citizens in those days were full of optimism, and those who could remember the parsimony of war wanted a piece of the prosperity for themselves. Rock and roll music provided the soundtrack to the new-age, and television, which at once made the world a smaller, more immediate place, beamed images of Elvis, and later the Beatles around the Globe. Young men wanted to look like the coiffured King, or the Fab-Four, and young women dreamed of being whisked away in the Triumph Spitfire of some bowl-cut-sporting beatnik. The importance of image exploded, but to think that it was an autonomous beast would be erroneous.

Fashion was then, has been since and still is today, influenced by everything else in society. Look around yourself now – what do you see? Everything in your eye line will smack of an era – of a time encapsulated.
So how do all these things relate to what you're wearing? Well, quite simply, they look the same. The six complete post-war decades are all totally definable by the clothes, the architecture and the mod-cons that emerged during their brief tenures. So stark is the contrast between our retrospective images of the seventies and eighties, one might be forgiven for thinking they were separated by centuries, not seconds.

And talking of time, nowhere are the shifts in taste and cultural mood more apparent than in the study of horology. Have you got a watch? Look at it now. When was it made? What does its appearance tell you about the time in which it was designed? I'd wager a whole lot – no matter its cost.

By comparing horological and architectural design the influences that inspired the clothes of the day are apparent. By looking at a watch from the early 20th century you can see that luxury knew no cost and that materials were readily available and employed where possible to enhance the item's appeal. Fast-forward through the twenties and thirties, during which wristwatches filtered down to the masses and designs became more hip, until you reach WWII and the mood changes. Huge, staybrite faces for easy-reading in the dark trenches; webbed straps for durability and cost-cutting; the absence of precious metals due to rationing; the reduction of moving parts to limit necessary repairs... The avant-garde styles of the seventies – a decade that ushered in soft-lines, bright colours and laid-back vibes contrasted with the social-unrest and baulking of tradition that defined the eighties, which saw the emergence of Swatch as a supplier of affordable and, more crucially, cool watches and the advent of truly digital timepieces is fascinating. When people look back on the latter half of the 20th century, the watches, buildings and fashions will provide an insight into the incrementally different societies that sired them better than anything archaeology has been able to offer in regards to humanity's distant past.

I think a lot of fashion's bad-press stems from the speed at which things become obsolete these days. We seem to be flying through endless metres of cloth and unfathomably depressing bank-statements in pursuit of the perfect look – something so current you could stick it in a blender with a litre of orange juice and be left with two of your five-a-day. When the people who pooh-pooh fashion look at what Queen Victoria was wearing in 1837, they'll likely be more than happy to laud its beauty, refinement and elegance. What they don't seem to get, is that in a hundred years time, her coronation gown might look like rags to the aluminium-plated, self-drying, colour-changing jacket wearing kids of the 22nd century who might well cite the leg-warmers of the eighties as the pinnacle of restrained chic.

So next time you get dressed, just think about what your clothes represent. You may not want to make a statement through fashion, but you don't have a choice. Time speaks through the things that it leaves behind, and those things decided the fit of your trousers and the colour of your shoes, so you'd better listen to what they have to say because, as the self-confessed professor of aesthetics Oscar Wilde said; “It is the shallowest of people who don't judge by appearances.”


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Friday, 30 July 2010

Art For Our Sake...



When you look at a painting, what do you see? Well, I reckon it’s entirely up to you to decide. Art without words is possibly the truest expression of human emotion – and that’s coming from a writer! You see, I’ve always believed that writing is often the most unsatisfactory of arts: even with limitless words at our disposal, we are still incapable of actually saying what anything intangible actually is: we can only describe it, and the best do so by skilfully encouraging the reader to draw upon their own experiences of what it is we are attempting to define by using colourful metaphors; bold similes; and the maintenance of an emotive atmosphere that, itself, is intended to push the reader’s mind in the direction we need for our writing to hold any weight with them.

But with a single brushstroke, an artist can call forth those emotions that take writers years to explain – often fruitlessly. Painting transcends the need for verbal explanation, and the same is true of all visual art. It makes you feel, rather than telling you what you should be feeling. It strikes straight to the heart of art’s purpose: to reconcile the unknown with existence. Writing can be unfathomably beautiful when done well if it succeeds in drawing together the many layers of human emotion. But it is hard for writers to say anything new. I think that is why you rarely hear of writers being lauded as innovative; the nature of their art condemns even their magnum opus to be an intricate reworking of everything that has gone before. In visual art, however, it seems the potential for doing something wholly revolutionary is greater. Because there are fewer conventions – and by conventions, I mean things as simple as conjunctions – to which the visual artist must adhere, possibilities are vast. It is possible to use a colour that has never been used before in a way that has never been practised. Regardless of its supporting cast, the word ‘the’ is still the same each and every time it is used. And furthermore, words don’t really exist. Language is merely a platform for thought, which is primarily visual. For these reasons, the art hanging on the walls of the world’s most revered galleries can say more about death, love and life using a few square feet of canvas, than Shakespeare could with all the papyrus of Egypt.
As much as I believe the above to be true, it does pose a problem for the art world. If you write a book, it is pretty hard to scam someone into thinking its good because it’s all there in black and white. Sure, plenty of awful books have been published, but even the tritest book likely has some shred of merit, or at least marketability to warrant its printing. Visual art, however, has no one to answer to but the individual viewing it. Not needing to be published, per se, means it can rise from obscurity and wing its way to a glossy-paged photo book on someone’s coffee table much faster than a crappy book can be produced. It needs no editing; no redrafting; no real financial backing. Once it exists it is there for us to see.

The modern art movement was necessary. The notion of what it meant to be creative and artistic needed to break-away from the stuffy and tired ideals of pure painting in order for us to gain perspective on talent and also to reaffirm the purpose of art at all. Over the last thirty or so years, boundaries have been quickly traversed. The first steps were tentative and original; then came the complete farce of shitting in a bed; now clarity may return. Art had to go right to the edge to save itself from becoming obsolete. But now we’ve seen Campbell’s soup tins magnified and mass-produced on canvas; now we know the names of at least a hundred of the men Tracey Emin has slept with; now that we are all painfully aware that a shark can be preserved in formaldehyde and that Lego men holding basketballs can indeed be photographed (thanks Damien), we can stop pretending that having a week-long lie in makes you the next Cezanne.

But as easy as some of the most famous works of modern art may be to produce, and now matter how many people obstreperously proclaim that they could have done the same, the simple fact remains: they didn’t. Hirst did. Emin did. Warhol gave birth to a generation of pop artists whose influence is still widely felt and respected. The demystification of art was overdue, but now we’ve got the message it is time for a modern renaissance. Little can match the sheer emotional power of Picasso’s Guernica (especially when viewed in person). The raw, human element leaps from the canvas and demands you identify with the image of destruction that I’m sure affects each person who views it differently. And therein lay art’s beauty and purpose: its ability to affect on a truly personal level. No words exist to skew your judgement; no guidelines to massage your interpretation: pure, unadulterated connection with the visual expression of the inexplicable.

There’s no art to enjoying art: you decide the meaning. Now how does that make you feel?


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Thursday, 29 July 2010

Tips for a Perfect Relationship...



Firstly, I'd like to add so that I don't offend anyone special to me, that these rules did not spring forth from my brain, but that of another, much sicker, more tactically astute, ballsier man.

He is a fan of these rules and, hypothetically, I can't help but see where he's coming from...

RULE 1: It is important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.

RULE 2: It is important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

RULE 3: It is important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie to you.

RULE 4: It is important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.

RULE 5: It is absolutely fucking vital that these four women don't know each other.


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Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Mara-Goner...



The news broke today that Diego Maradona’s stint as the head coach of Argentina has come to a premature close in light of his much-fancied squads’ lacklustre performance at last month’s World Cup, culminating in a 4-0 mauling at the hands of a vital German side.

Maradona’s dismissal after a few patchy months in charge is no real surprise. His appointment was, from the very moment it was announced, controversial and seen by many as a sentimental move to honour their country’s greatest player and inspire the young generation of potential world-beaters to emulate his on-field exploits. The Maradona case is an exceptional one, though. Not only did he have very little management experience to his name (much less success), his off-field behaviour during and since his playing days inspired nothing but contempt from international rivals and compatriots alike. He was not, nor has ever been a role model, and is widely regarded as one of the sport’s most divisive figures.

He was tactically outfoxed on the world’s most public stage by his German counterpart. And in all honesty, he was lucky the team that many felt had the depth to go the whole way didn’t stumble sooner given his strategic deficiencies. He failed to get the best out of the world’s best player, Lionel Messi. Without the diminutive maestro pulling the strings as the heartbeat of a normally fluid Argentine midfield, his team was destined to find itself in cardiac arrest sooner rather than later.

Maradona’s gone – no surprises there. But his rapid dismissal raises another issue that has long bugged me. The turnover of managers in football is nothing short of ludicrous. If you were to look back over our own domestic league and study the teams whose names clutter English silverware, one theme is constant: a stable manager throughout the days of dominance. Which team is the most successful of the last 20 years in English football? Manchester United – no doubt. How many managers did they have over that span? 1. Alex Ferguson. That’s it. No panic firing and hiring when Arsenal rose to the top under Wenger; no histrionics when Mourinho guided Chelsea to two successive titles; no rash decisions from the board when United were thoroughly outclassed and beaten 2-0 by a Barcelona side that looked as if they were bored for 90 minutes in the 2009 Champions’ League final. Solidity and faith are the keys to success. And it isn’t just football that this rule applies to: the Pittsburgh Steelers of the NFL are well-known for their propensity to stick with one man in charge for huge periods of time, having hired less than ten coaches in their history – a history that has yielded a league-leading 6 Superbowl victories.

Bill Cowher, current Steelers’ coach Mike Tomlin’s predecessor, was in charge for 15 seasons. In that time he lost four AFC championship games at home and was still called back the following season. He and the Rooney family – who own the franchise – were finally rewarded when, in his penultimate season, he won the Superbowl before stepping down a year later after failing to repeat. Honourable and just are words that can be used to describe such a method and the Premier League and International football could learn from such an investment.

I’m not a huge fan of Capello, but I am pleased he wasn’t fired. He has experience now – invaluable experience. He has been trashed and humiliated; put on a pedestal that collapsed under the weight of expectation. He has earned his stripes. Now he can go forward with a new generation and hopefully erase the memory of World Cup failure with a few solid wins. Thank God for Wenger, Ferguson and even David bloody Moyes – these guys are their teams and their failures and successes are the result of their actions, not blameable on a duff predecessor. I hope and believe Hodgson will be the future of Liverpool and that he will do well with them if given the decade of power his reputation and temperament deserves and that English football invests time in managers rather than looking for quick-fix solutions to problems that run deeper than the bottom line.


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Tuesday, 27 July 2010

World Cup Round-up: 12-9...



12. USA
Finishing one spot ahead of the English must have tickled the Americans’ amusement. They were unfortunate to succumb to Ghana in the last 16, a team they faced as reward for topping Group C. They were deserved winners of a group that was, prior to the tournament, viewed as weak and England’s for the taking: but the group turned out tricky, with Algeria and Slovenia proving tenacious opponents. Many will say they had no right to draw with England in the opener, and they wouldn’t have done had it not been for Rob Green’s typically English howler that set the tone for the Americans’ cross-Atlantic cousins. Had the USA beaten Ghana they could have gone as far as the Semi finals, which would have been embarrassing and wholly annoying, given the Americans’ tendency to crow unduly over their bizarre worldwide successes. Twelfth is a great result and the Red, White and Blue can head back to the States with their pride intact.

11. Portugal
The Portuguese provided us with the most entertaining – if slightly cringe worthy – game of the tournament when they beat North Korea 7-0, with six of those goals coming in the second half. Ronaldo finally got on the score sheet for his country after a two year dearth of goals. And then they lost 1-0 to Spain. That one David Villa goal was the only one they conceded in the tournament, despite having to sidestep both the Ivory Coast and Brazil in the group stages. They were incredibly unlucky, and are deserving of a top 10 finish. That said, the Portuguese have had plenty of luck go their way in the last decade, so maybe this year – when they genuinely merited a result – is payment for those previous flukes.

10. Chile
Wow – a top 10 finish for Chile? Are you serious? The Chileans were one of a host of impressive South American minnows who went further than expected. With Paraguay and Uruguay joining them in the Last 16 and the ever-present Argentineans and Brazilians making it through too, South American teams limited the places available to UEFA sides to a mere 6 (Holland, Spain, England, Germany, Slovakia and Portugal). Chile seemed to cope well with the Jabulani ball from the offset, but they too struggled with finishing and managed only a goal a game in the group stages before losing out to Brazil in the second round. This result can not be faulted at all – the Chileans did fantastically and should be lauded for their determination if not their cleanliness – the Chileans were vicious (but rather than whinge, let’s just say ‘enthusiastic’).

9. Japan
I was thoroughly surprised to see Japan do so well. They were drawn in a tough group with the Dutch and Danes, not to mention the Cameroonians, who are capable of beating anyone on their day. They looked strong against the Danish and were very unlucky not to beat Paraguay in the Last 16, losing a heartbreaker on penalties. Since co-hosting the World Cup in 2002, the Japanese have proved themselves a solid unit and are now an international mainstay. Whether they will ever win the World Cup remains to be seen, but they are, and will continue to be competitive. They should make it to 2014 with ease and once they’re there, who knows what could happen?


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Monday, 26 July 2010

World Cup Round-up: 16-13...



16. Slovakia
The Slovaks beat World Cup holders Italy in a thrilling 3-2 contest that decided which of the two teams would progress along with Paraguay to the next round. Star striker Robert Vitek scored 4 in Slovakia’s brief run, just one short of Golden boot winner Thomas Mueller’s tally of five. Prior to the commencement of the tournament Slovakia looked unlikely to qualify from a group containing the fluid Paraguayans and the usually solid Italians. They should be proud of finishing in the top half of the draw and their attacking prowess looks set to stand them in good stead for the Euros.

15. South Korea
Ji-Sung Park’s team escaped a group that could have embarrassed them. Neither Greece nor Nigeria are powerhouses in any respect, but they are tough teams to break down and their tendency to throw ten men behind the ball could have potentially stifled the open and aggressive style of play the South Koreans favour. A 4-1 loss to Argentina humbled them and gave many the impressions that the Argentineans were the team to beat, but they bounced back and won when the needed to. They met Uruguay in the second round and almost pulled off a come-from-behind victory, but the in-form South Americans prevailed. South Korea, although not remarkable, are proving a staple fixture on the international scene. We’ll see them again in four years time.

14. Mexico
The Mexicans entered the tournament on the back of a 3-1 loss against an England side that was yet to reach top gear. They looked tactically weak in that game and profited from being drawn in what turned out to be a poor group. That said, they very nearly lost to South Africa and salvaged a point by virtue of a Rafael Marquez strike. They went down to Argentina in the last 16 and looked outclassed throughout. Flashes of offensive prowess made the neutrals believe Mexico could have gone further, but overall they lacked the necessary quality to make a deep run.

13. England
What can be said about this ragtag bunch of no-hopers? England were shockingly ineffective from start to finish. They squeezed through a group they should have won with ease and wound-up playing Group D winners and Arch-Nemeses, Germany. The Germans dispatched the English with uncharacteristic flair; exploiting defensive frailties exacerbated by John Terry being played out of position. Had Lampard’s goal stood and made the score 2-2 the result might have been different. But in all honesty the Germans were the better side and England’s lacklustre performance throughout the finals meant they got just what they deserved. The Golden Age is over – the age of Wilshire, Shawcross, Walcott and Hart is dawning. Let’s hope they put-in a better shift than the bloated, overpaid, amateurish schmucks we put our faith in this time round.


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Sunday, 25 July 2010

World Cup Round-up: 20-17...



20. South Africa
The hosts probably surprised a few with their efforts; missing out on a place in the last 16 on goal difference and nothing more. Mexico advanced in their place to face Argentina – a game Bafana Bafana would surely have lost in a similar fashion to the Central Americans – and by doing so, made South Africa the very first host nation to fall at the group stages in the history of the tournament. Leaving Benny McCarthy – the country’s all-time leading goal scorer – at home looks like a bigger mistake with every passing day when you consider that one more goal would have been enough to springboard them to the next round. One thing can be said though: the boys in Green and Gold were no embarrassment and by scoring possibly the best goal of the tournament to get the finals off to an explosive, and slightly surprising, start, they endeared themselves to neutrals the world over.

19. Switzerland
Prepare yourselves for four years of crowing.
“We beat the world champions.”
I can hear it already and it makes me mad. Switzerland – one of my favourite European underdogs – somehow managed to stifle Spain in the opener and went on to grind-out a victory that, in all honesty, could and should have been greater. The Swiss then went on to lose to Chile as expected, but, by virtue of their shock sinking of the Spanish Armada, had their fate in their own hands when they stepped out to face Honduras. They drew 0-0, which is categorically, diabolically disgraceful. A couple of goals past the second worst team in the tournament after popping one past the best should have guaranteed them routine passage to round two at the expense of Chile. As it is, they didn’t even push the group to tiebreakers. Switzerland don’t deserve to be ranked in the top 20 given their squandering tendencies. Love them as I do, this team let themselves down. Euro 2012 beckons.

18. Slovenia
Went down to England 1-0 and, in the process, lost the chance to progress after a decent win over a surprising Algeria side. Slovenia were capable of flashes of brilliance, fluid attacking play and possessed a steely resolve, but fundamentally they lacked a bit of quality. Drawing with the USA might seem okay, but consider that they were 2 to the good and went on to concede 3 (not 2) legitimate goals and wound up with a draw courtesy of poor officiating and it looks less impressive. This team might get to the Euros, but only because competition isn’t as stiff for the dregs. They are not a world class side by a long way and need to scour the birth certificates of some undeclared Brazilians quick-time.

17. Côte d'Ivoire
All in all, a disappointing showing from a team that boasts a truly stellar backbone. Drogba was off and the team looked flaccid throughout. Sven was able to work his international black magic that cursed England and Mexico before. I have a feeling this is the last we’ll see of this team for a while – their star players are all in their prime and qualifying from Africa is not the stroll it once was. Egypt will likely take their place next time round and from a neutral’s perspective, that’s no bad thing.


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Saturday, 24 July 2010

World Cup Round-up: 24-21...



24. Denmark
Looked good in patches and were better than their results suggested. Beating Cameroon from a goal down should have been the turning point in their campaign after an opening loss to Holland in which they had looked thoroughly competent, but then losing 3-1 to a tough and tenacious Japan side made them look a bit silly. Considering they are without much talent in an aging midfield and front line, they did alright, but if only Arsenal’s Nicolas Bendtner had lived up to the hype they might have gone further.

23. Serbia
As much as it hurts me to say this, Serbia were a bit of a disappointment. Imperious in qualifying, they found themselves in a tricky group that, given their organisational prowess, was manageable. A 1-0 victory against team of tournament, Germany, was their only bright spot, though, and their opening loss to Ghana had them derailed before they even got going. Losing to Australia was the final nail in their coffin and they will head home with their tails between their legs. 70-1 outsiders before the tournament kicked off, they promised to be the giant killers of this year’s competition but it never materialised. Euro 2012 watch out – Serbia have something to prove.

22. New Zealand
Undoubtedly the surprise package of the group stage: New Zealand were making their first appearance since 1982 when coach Rickie Herbert appeared as a player in New Zealand’s short and previously only WC finals. New Zealand refused to lose over three games, taking home a solid 3 points from 3 draws. They held the World Champs and were solid enough at the back to prevent the fluid Paraguayans and aggressive Slovaks from beating them. They may have lacked firepower, but they can return to Oceania with their heads held high – the only undefeated team of WC 2010.

21. Australia
The Socceroos got off to a nightmare start when they lost to Germany 4-0 in their opener. They managed to scrape together a handful of points against Ghana and Serbia but it proved too little too late, and their goal-difference sent them home. They were victims of some harsh red cards that no doubt knocked their challenge off track. They weren’t bad, but would likely have fallen at the next round had they made it through. 2014 should be their focus as the infrastructure improves and their confidence grows.


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Friday, 23 July 2010

The Sun Sets Before the Dawn...



In a shocking news bulletin released the morning of May 26th, the Alaotra Grebe was confirmed as extinct according to the most recent assessments.

The Alaotra Grebe was a medium-sized, duck-shaped bird with predominantly black plumage and a starkly contrasting eye socket (vivid yellow) and a pair of piercing eyes (pale sunflower) located on either side of its head. It had a beak, the use of which unknown. Its natural habitat was Lake Alaotra in Madagascar (the world’s fourth largest island after Greenland, New Guinea and Borneo in that order) and surrounding locations. Its extinction has been put down to continued poaching and the artificial introduction of carnivorous fish to their lake. Prior to the infestation of foreign fish, the Alaotras would themselves pick the lake of its water dwellers, but having to share food with a thriving population of hungry fish left their bellies empty and their survival doomed.

Regrettably, the Alaotras have silly little wings and it is speculated that they could only fly short distances before having to stop for a cigarette. Despite their twenty-Marlboro-Menthol-a-day habit, lung cancer has not been considered a significant contributing factor in their extinction – for such puny-looking birds, their constitutions were remarkably resilient.

They have not been formally sighted since 1985, leading many to suggest that perhaps they should have been checked on sooner. Few things survive in this world when left alone for twenty five years, let alone a group of medium-sized, bird shaped grebes.
The extinction of this rare, Malagasy species is the first of the bird-world since 2005 and becomes the latest entry on the IUCN red list of endangered and threatened birds.

Dr Leon Bennun of Birdlife International has said there is “no hope” for the species and that is “another example of how human actions can have unforeseen consequences”.
And this leads us the point of this article: should we care that our actions have unforeseen consequences for other species? If we shape the world to best suit our needs and it becomes unsuitable for the survival of another species, should we go to lengths – both expensive and time-consuming, not to mention unnatural – to artificially preserve its existence?

Natural selection works for a reason – only the best survive. The Alaotra Grebe was a lovely little bird, but thoroughly unequipped for the changes to its environment. Had we endeavoured to save it, it would have been at our own cost as a progressive species.

Of course, I believe that many species – perhaps even the Alaotra Grebe – are wiped-out unnecessarily, due to the inconsideration of actions that could be better executed. This is wrong; simply mindless; and a tragedy that millions of years of evolutionary diversification should end so unceremoniously, often with its neck stuck in a plastic ring.

But fundamentally I am a realist: a brutal, uncompromising realist, who has endured many outraged humanitarian protests when laying down the likelihood, in cold, hard black and white terms, that the human race will likely in the near future experience a vast population dive should an increase in temperature wreak the predicted havoc across the third world, killing millions who are unable to protect themselves from the unfeeling environment. And maybe, rather than crying ourselves to sleep at night over something we will, in all honesty be powerless to prevent and only able to slow or dampen at huge personal cost to the running of our society (and I don’t just mean this monetarily), we should accept that shit happens: some people are born lucky; others are born with one foot in the grave. This is nature’s way: we, and every other species on this planet, are expendable- playthings of a story with no script. Home Sapiens will not survive forever – we are no more prepared for what might happen to the world around us than the Alaotra Grebe. Conserve through consideration and mourn not what is lost in the quest for survival. It’s a cruel world and only the cruellest of creatures survive.


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Thursday, 22 July 2010

World Cup Round-up: 28-25




28. Algeria
Algeria did pretty bloody well to finish fifth from bottom. Topping France will be a patriotic boost, and holding England to an embarrassing 0-0 draw will go down as one of the shocks of the tournament. And in patches the Algerians didn’t look half bad. They had some creative players – all of whom fast and lively – who really caused problems for the experienced defences they faced. They were rubbish at finding the back of the net(as everyone seemed to be) and were prone to lapses of concentration, but otherwise, a good showing for an underrate team.

27. Nigeria
One-dimensional is the description that springs to mind when looking at this team of physically excellent and skilfully lacking players. Martins is their only real attacking threat – others show promise, but have the end product of a vindaloo to show for it. Nigeria could have got out of their group (if they’d played better), but it would have been a pointless exercise. Failing to prolong the inevitable will do this young side’s humility a few favours and maybe see them progress next time around.

26. Italy
What can you say? Woefully inept at pretty much every aspect of the game. The World Cup champions of 2006 were shadows of their former selves. Having an average age of 96 probably didn’t help, but you’d have thought with that level of experience they might have managed to navigate their way through a group that sent Paraguay and Slovakia into the last sixteen. They played alright against the Slovaks, but it was too little too late, and they failed to take the necessary point off the goal-happy Easterners. They were home with Lippi’s legend tarnished and without their beloved trophy.

25. Greece
Euro 2004 champs are still crap at football. That said, they did manage to score (at last) at the World Cup finals. That’s another first for their grumpy old coach to add to his glittering resume. Greece are a team without superstars or talent. They are solid and uninspiring with their main aim to send the other team to sleep. They might have failed in that, but succeeded in sending us back home to the land of nod. Fortunately, thanks to their early exit, they too can enjoy a nice kip early doors.


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Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Hamilton Ardmore



The Ardmore is a classic and classy watch. Although the Gents version is pictured, you could be forgiven for thinking the slimline delicacy above was a watch made for a woman. Does this detract from its masculinity when on the wrist of a gent? Not at all - if anything, it enhances it. Richard Gere wore this watch. So did Matt Damon in the talented Mr Ripley. It is consistently chosen by actors who wish to exude understated class and a quiet confidence in their dress.

The Ardmore is simple and classic. It boasts a Swiss-made quartz movement,slender tie-shaped hour and minute hands, a sub-dial for the smooth-turning second hand and comes in a variety of colour combinations - my personal favourite being the tan/Steel combo.

Elegent and sleek, the Ardmore is a wearable watch for an formal occassion, and at £250 is a bargain for such class.


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day; Bar Centro; or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

Swatch Full-Blooded



Swatch has just released 3 new colours to bolster the already popular Full-Blooded range that was launched originally in 2007. The first run of Full-Blooded Chronographs featured the classic Black, Gold and Silver models that have stood the test of time and also the now discontinued Baby Blue and Pink models.

2009 saw the next wave of Full-Blooded watches, with the release of Sunset (deep red), Earth (brown), Green and Sea (Dark Blue) models, all of which priced at £89. Christmas 2009 heralded the launch of Full-Blooded white, retailing at £103.50 and now, the Summer of 2010 has welcomed Caramel, Raspberry and Blueberry to the collection, all selling for £103.50.

The new colours are a vibrant, on-trend addition to an eye catching selection, and their release will mark the end for some of the recent additions – Sea, Sunset and Green will fall out of the collection by the end of the year.

The watches all feature metal bracelets, with the original colours carrying steel straps and the newer models boasting light-weight aluminium. The cases are made from tough plastic diaphane and edged in trendy aluminium. As for features, no updates have been made. Every Full-Blooded watch features a three dial Chronograph that counts decimals, seconds and minutes up to one hour. There are no numerals to mark the time, only sparkly diamante studs. The date aperture appears between 8 and 9 o’clock and the tie-shaped hands are luminous.

One great and ostensibly underappreciated feature about these watches (as with all watches, but especially watches such as these where the main attraction is the colour options) is the interchangeable straps. This might sound obvious, but rather than buying every one of these vibrant timepieces, I purchased the Silver model and then bought all the other straps, which are easily changed at home using a pin to remove and hard surface to replace the strap. So now I can change in less than five minutes the look of my watch to match whatever outfit I choose to wear. The straps come at £20 each and so, for a total of £289 you have effectively 11 watches. You might not want or need every combination, but the black and brown are particularly useful to own so you can match your watch with most belt/shoe combinations. I also splashed-out and bought the Gold watch too so I could always wear a Full-blooded with my suits. I chose it as my everyday watch because of its affordability and, more than anything, comfort. The watch is supremely light and sits nicely on the wrist. Unlike most bracelet watches I have worn, the chunky links of this strap do not catch on your arm hair – an irritating side-effect of many metal watches.

And I must confess I couldn’t resist buying a third: the Earth model. The brown face looks remarkably good with a black strap (a combination I’m trying to bring kicking and screaming into fashion). A year ago, if I’d seen a man wearing brown shoes with a black suit I would have likely been sick on them, more so if they were brogues and that, as I’m sure you can imagine, is a quick way to ruin a pair of socks. But the men to whom I refer would have been wearing a black belt and a watch that had never been acquainted with the idea of coordination. But when black and brown is done with gusto it can be an edgy and industrial look. All Saints is one high street retailer that springs to mind where the missing of base colours, the combination of which usually sidestepped, is advocated.

All in all this is a top watch with a decent Chronograph function and a handily water resistant to 3 bar – a nice price, too, and definitely affordable for that low-end wear-watch for everyday activities. Don’t be too rough with it though as, with all Swatches, it has a Plexiglas face and does pick up scratches easily (these can be removed by a buffing machine at most jewellers as they are not covered in the 2 year guarantee).

And finally, if you’re feeling mega-creative, why not mix-up the links so you’re left with a chequered strap? I did this with my Black and Gold strap and get comments all the time. It’s a cheap statement and top quality watch from Swatch.

Rating: 8/10


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day; Bar Centro; or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Monday, 19 July 2010

The Modernity of Sex...



Where have all the men’s men gone? Where is Marlon Brando; where is John Wayne; where is Oliver Reed? Sure, I know they’re all likely propping up a bar just a few minutes stagger from the pearly gates, being eyed-up by women and talking about motorcycles, whiskey and boxing-mitts, but where are their successors in Hollywood?
There’s a lot of acting talent out there. Brad Pitt is often underrated in lieu of his good looks and celebrity lifestyle; Jude Law is also superbly skilled, but is too seen as an object of desire, not of pure masculinity; Edward Norton is a fantastically subtle performer, but lacks the presence of the great men who are, for the most part, underrepresented on the silver screen.

It’s an old-fashioned notion that a man should be a man and that that is enough to cement him as an idol. But these six-packed, square-jawed, angel-faced hunks are, for all their lustful allure, a product of an increasingly androgynous society.
These men are prototypes of metrosexual perfection. They are beautiful in the same refined, calculated way women can be. And it is because of the emergence of greater social equality that they exist at all.

Go back to the fifties: men were men and women were women. This mode of existence caused a lot of problems in the real world, but there was also a lot of good in that era because of the stark distinction between the roles of the sexes. Oddly enough, the levelling-out of gender roles in society, which, in theory, should only be for the better, has eliminated a lot of common courtesies which there seems no way of regaining. Men used to respect women because they were somebody’s mother, sister or wife. Nowadays, women aren’t protected by those unspoken shields: they are fair game, and a lot of un-gentlemanly things are said and done because to be a gentleman in the old fashioned sense of the word is sometimes construed as sexist. Well, it probably is, but it’s also probably not a bad thing.

The worst thing about society’s increasingly homogenised treatment of the sexes is that it often seems to neglect one obvious point: men and women are different. They should have the same rights and opportunities, but there are certain things that should be considered when speaking to or about a man/woman that are distinguishable between the two.

It was only as recently as the eighties that true power-shifts began to come into effect. Women were, for the first time, given the shots they deserved in what had been a man’s world. But when this happened, boundaries not only drew closer, but overlapped. Women started wearing power-suits and men started wearing eye-liner. Girls had short hair; boys long. It seems that the coin has two sides which ever way up it lands.

And suddenly all the men’s men disappeared and were replaced by hairless, over-muscled, perma-tanned, g-string wearing Adonis lookalikes who, despite their bulging biceps and heroic features, lacked the rugged charm of yesteryear’s stars.
Okay, so here’s the rub: you look at Brando or Reed and you know they were bastards: old school, heavy-drinking, fist-fighting bastards who were probably awful to be around; all the more if you were wearing a skirt. They aren’t modern men, but they were men and are enduringly attractive for their solid frames, roguish smiles, misbehaviour and good hearts. They were the men that all guys wanted to be and all girls wanted to be with. They could protect you; they could drink you under the table; they could fix your fridge when it was on the blink; they were cool. As inappropriate as it may now be to champion these things on screen, their popularity has stood the test of time for a reason: they are idols from an age that had values. They may not have been gentlemen every hour of every day (much less every hour of the night) but they had respect: respect for each other and other people. But more than that; they were real.

None of them were conventionally good-looking, but they all had that special something that set them apart. It’s like comparing Nicole Kidman and Nigella Lawson. Kidman is almost certainly more categorically attractive: her face is angularly perfect; her figure svelte and toned; her smile brighter than Sirius. And yet Nigella, who carries a little more weight, has a bit of a funny nose and dresses/acts like your mum is, for most men, by far the more desirable. You admire Kidman; you obsess over Nigella, because you believe in her. She is real. And tastier than chocolate.

The closest we have and have had in this era are probably the evermore surprising Leonardo DiCaprio and the late Heath Ledger. Here are two realistic guys who you can identify with. Let’s not shun these idols of masculinity even if the notion of their existence is a bit outdated – their appeal will live on long after Brad’s washboard stomach goes soft, because deep down, men like to be men, or at least like to think they are.


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day; Bar Centro; or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Sunday, 18 July 2010

World Cup Round-up: 32-29...



With World Cup 2010 in the books, I’m going to spend the next few days (those of which that feature a dearth of current sporting news) analysing the performance of the teams in the reverse order of their final tournament standings. Who did well? Who underperformed? Who set the world stage alight and can expect to be rewarded come the start of next season?

Well, the first group up for analysis (places 32-29) might not have much to crow about, but there were flashes of optimism despite a thoroughly poor showing on all their parts.

32. Korea DPR
The North Koreans were not expected to do well at all. By that token, they lived up to expectations. Their first game saw them take away a fantastic 2-1 loss from Brazil. Losing is never great, but for this team of relative amateurs shipping a meagre brace to the No.1 team in the world and denying them a clean sheet was cause for optimism. They then followed up this invigorating start by having their asses handed to them by Portugal, who put an embarrassing 6 goals past them in the second half to run-out 7-0 winners – woeful. A 3-0 loss to the Ivory Coast left them bottom of the pile with a startling goal difference of -11. What’s next for these athletic, but unskilful players? Not much – their country’s policy on internalisation means few of these players will ever get the chance to hone their ‘talents’ in a better league. Don’t expect to see them back here in a hurry – they were outclassed on all fronts.

31. Cameroon
Expectations were high for the Indomitable Lions, but their wastefulness in front of goal let them down. They did find themselves in an awfully tricky group with Holland, Denmark and Japan, but they should have done better with a team that perennially performs well in their domestic cup of nations. Eto’o may not play another World Cup and there aren’t many young superstars coming through. Cameroon might not feature in the World Cup for a while now, thanks to the increasing competitively of the African teams.

30. Honduras
These guys did well to finish so highly. They too were in a tight group with Spain, Switzerland and Chile. By virtue of holding Spain’s fellers to a 0-0 draw, they not only denied the Europeans qualification, but proved they aren’t the jokes many thought they were. They only lost narrowly to the Chileans (1 goal) and even the Spanish (2 goals) – really not bad for a team almost guaranteed to lose three of three. They might struggle to get back to the WC finals due to the wealth of talent in their qualification zone and the sheer number of games that need to be navigated to assure progression. But the Hondurans can go home feeling okay about how they performed.

29. France
Almost undoubtedly the biggest disappointment of the finals. France were shit. With a host of talented players and a world class captain they failed to capitalise on a favourable group. One goal; one point; one ticket home. Domenech needed a single win to – amazingly – become France’s all-time winningest coach and he couldn’t even manage it in a group that contained three inferiror teams. Uruguay’s run to the Semis – by virtue of an easy draw and England’s failure to win their group – made them look better than they deserved, but nothing can paste over their poor form. Biggest post-WC transfer? Hand of Frog legend, Thierry Henry has signed for the New York Red Bulls. Wow. Sers.


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day; Bar Centro; or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Saturday, 17 July 2010

Swatch You.Automatic Chronographs



August 1st sees the arrival of two new colour schemes for Swatch's current flagship watch, the Right Track You.Automatic. A Chronograph with a plastic diaphane body and Swiss made automatic movement the Right Track will now be available in no less than five colour schemes. Pictured above is the original Black and silver with red detailing, released 2009. January 2010 saw the release of the same watch but White with a silver bezel and Blue with a silver bezel. Neither new watch looks quite as sleek as the all black model, but the Blue is especially attractive (though I am biased - Navy is my favourite colour of this season).

But come August, the range will be bolstered by two additions in all black, one with yellow gold accenting (the Sunrise model) and another with Rose Gold highlights (the Sunset variation). I have to say that both are superb and much dressier than the original, which, thanks to its scarlet flashes, had a somewhat sporty feel. The Right Track Sunset is my personal favourite – black and rose gold are a real classic combination this season and when present in a watch look good with black trousers, shoes, tie and belt, a white shirt, navy blazer and rose gold belt buckle, cufflinks and tie tack. For dinner parties, team it with a black tux and bronze bow tie for a cool revamping of traditional colours.

All Swatch need to do now is release a brown and rose gold variation so all bases are covered for this, the warmest shade of precious metal. And it’s all happening at the right time too. As autumn approaches, these subdued colours are never more wearable.

As for functions, this watch sports a smart chronograph with second hand, 30 minute counter and 6 hour register, no numerals, a date window at 3 o’clock, a tachymeter around the non-rotating bezel and 5 minute increments printed in fine Arabic numerals around the inside of the face. The strap is crocodile effect leather (black on the Sunrise and Sunset models, and Blue or White on the respective January releases), and the buckles match the metal of the face.

All watches in this range carry a partially see-through case back so the finery of the interior can be viewed and appreciated. The power reserve is in the region of 46 hours when fully wound. The diaphane case makes this watch extremely lightweight and easy to wear for long periods and the decision to go with leather as the strap material pays dividends with its absorbency by keeping your wrist dry. All Right Tracks retail at £239 and are available from any Swatch store or www.swatch.co.uk.

All in all, the Right Track is a classy timepiece and a good Automatic from Swatch.

Rating: 8/10


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day; Bar Centro; or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Friday, 16 July 2010

What is Europe's Role in a World Shaped by the USA and China..?



There is a Second World War memorial in the centre of my home town that I stop by and look at whenever I pass. Above the long lists of names of those who gave their lives in conflict to protect the life they swapped for the trenches, are the words Pro Patria – a stirring reminder of the honour attached to the defence of the small part of the world that belonged to the dead – it makes you proud, because you feel part of the successes and sacrifices of men and women like you. This feeling is, by necessity, a microcosmic phenomenon. The more localised the victory, the more personal it seems. But the last decade has seen an exponential acceleration of the globalisation of community due to the ever-shrinking boundaries of time and distance, leading to the obsolescence of such mutuality.
Europe is becoming a throwback to a time when people lived and died in one place. It is no surprise that communities expand and merge – it has been happening since early man struck stone on stone and saw in the resulting flames a future so great and terrible he should, had he been ruled by sense over greed, doused the fire and his own potential in favour of the simple life. And just a few hundred years ago, England itself was divided into many kingdoms. The absorption of culture into one cosmopolitan community has already seen hundreds of separate territories united – it is, after all, the only way to increase strength. But at what cost does such power come? Along the way, things must be discarded if total unification is to be achieved: languages must amalgamate; cultures must widen their horizons and expect dilution; prejudices must be laid aside, and leave in their place a new, fully-realised concept that is blander and more manageable than the sum of its constituent parts.
North America provided the expansionist Europeans with a clean slate, onto which they could write their own history. They walked onto that continent, took it for their own and, in doing so, erased the memory of their heterogeneous road to homogeny. The Americans were at once a race with a head-start. Now, as the youngest western nation, they are also the most powerful, while the Europeans look on across the Atlantic, wondering what role they are left to play in world governed by international powerhouses.
China is the world’s fastest developing country. Within its borders live one sixth of the world’s swelling population and amidst their ranks stands the largest army in the world – a fearsome three million strong.
A Gall-Peters map shows Europe to be not only incredibly small in comparison to the US and China, but sandwiched uncomfortably between the two: like a child rubbing shoulders with giants. And like a child, Europe is confused where the giants are decisive: slightly stupid and inconsiderate perhaps, but swift to act and strong enough to defend their mistakes. Europe’s continuing diversity is a beautiful thing, but it also makes it weak. It cannot project a united front that even comes close to the uniform outlook of China and the States, because of its internal disorder.
Continuing in this way is untenable for long-term survival, and so Europe is left with two options: either ally with one or the super-powers, or become a third contender. But both roads may prove dead-ends.
With so many ideas and ideals, Europe’s cultural complexity has seen it evolve into a hotbed for political diplomacy. Unfortunately, the EU is primarily a peace-corps with one fatal flaw: peace, ironically enough, can only be kept when those entrusted with its maintenance possess a legitimate military threat. As it stands, Europe is able to function as little more than a mediator. But words can not stop bullets and, in the case of war, Europe would be forced to support one super-power or the other – it cannot do both.
Conversely, Europe could strengthen itself by homogenising the continent. If boundaries could be stripped away; if France, Germany, Britain and all the rest became states, not countries; if government was centralised; if Europe was overseen by an omnipotent president, then maybe it could compete with the big-boys.
But how many moves would this course of action leave us away from the situation faced in George Orwell’s 1984? Three super-powers always at war: it would be naïve to think that any other eventuality can come of this. Three will become two and, eventually, what was many will become one.
Cruelly for Europe, whose diversity looks set for extinction, the step that follows worldwide unification will probably be a reversion to disparateness. By then, of course, all of what we know now will have been lost, but these things move in cycles and the demise of Europe and global diversity will eventually give rise to something new: the only question that remains is whether it will be built from steel, brick or bamboo.


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day; Bar Centro; or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Thursday, 15 July 2010

Rory Roars...



Graeme McDowell's victory last month has inspired compatriot Rory McIlroy to card a stunning 63 (-9) in the opening round of the British Open. 63 equals the best ever score recorded on the first day of any major. To have earned such an accolade at the tender age of 21 is quite something, but it says more about the way St. Andrews is playing than it does about McIlroy's form.

The cut is looking like it could well be under par at this rate and, sitting in second place, John Daly at -5 might be in to repeat his 1995 victory. A topsy-turvy start on a course that was expected to throw-up some truly awful weather, this could turn out to be a great contest.

Early sufferers, like Tom Watson, who are ill-equipped to play this course in fine conditions due to short-range driving skills, may be able to weasel their way back into contention if a storm picks-up tomorrow. McIlroy is looking hot and has been the best of the bunch by some way, but bad weather could easily see him slide as drastically as he climbed today.

Woods is solid at -5 and will definitely be a factor come the close. McIlroy might be looking back on this week in ten years time as the week he came of age. With seven birdies and one eagle (shooting a magical -8 on the back 10) it's a dream come true already, but will he be able to find the consistency and bottle required to win a major? The rest of golf awaits the outcome of this fascinating tournament with eager anticipation.

Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day; Bar Centro; or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Conversation: the Art of Concealment and Charisma...



Firstly, I should apologise for the title. This is not a manual, a how-to guide or a lesson in the art of conversation. It is no more or less than my own personal observations that have, over the past 26 days of drunkenness, been highlighted and refined into something approaching a personal code by which I myself will endeavour to remember and live by.

Despite my breathtaking literary wizardry, I am not, nor have ever been, a professional writer. One day, when my personality and style has solidified to the extant that I might write a decent novel instead of the eight unedited manuscripts that clutter my desk, perhaps, but for now I am, would you believe a watch salesman – THE HARE is a project that I hope will catapult my name (pseudo as it is) to the attention of a sympathetic journalist who would be willing to take me under his or her wing. And contrary to vicious rumours designed with the sole intention of making me out to be some rough-necked Del Boy, I am yet to purchase a coat capable of concealing my many fairly-priced timepieces. Such an article would not sit well with my usually fastidious array, but may yet prove good for business. I ply my trade working for a well-known Swiss Watch brand whom I shouldn’t name for fear of bringing the company’s good reputation into question when the world realises that Switzerland’s most innovative horological institute would stoop to employing a chancer of my calibre.

It has been said in the past that I am a charmer; a silver-tongued fiend; and occasionally, and quite to my amusement, a bounder. All such assessments of my character have stemmed from the way I talk. I make the classic schmaltz of eighties Hollywood productions look Shakespearian in its execution. I smile a lot – too much, I think. I read body language and adjust my own accordingly. I am a snake, but, and I should say this now before you think ill of me, I am harmless; a toothless adder with no poisonous gland to his arsenal. I am not a playboy or a conman; I simply love to talk to people. I am also fortunate enough to be on the delivering end of a voice which, judging by various recordings I have heard, resembles a fog horn in its monotonic drone.

I read once that the human brain has three distinct sections of vocabulary. In layman’s terms they call them the reading, the writing and the speaking vocabularies. Simply put, there are a portion of words squirreled away in your brain that you can identify and understand when reading a text, a portion that you can produce yourself when given time when, for example, writing at your own pace, and an easily accessible portion that you use to speak and delineate your intentions to another. These sections decrease in size from former to latter. For example, you might see the word ostensibly in a book and know from previous experience what it means, but when talking to someone, you’d likely use a more common synonym like apparently. This isn’t to say that one sounds better than the other, it’s just the maintenance of such elevated lexical choice is necessary to pull off what would otherwise sound like the repetition of a word or phase not your own.

What I have noticed is that the difference between my vocabulary sets is less than might be considered normal. This leads me sound like anything from an erudite lecturer to a jumped up little prick who has enough pretension to lay claim the foundation of the ‘Emo’ fad. What you are reading now is effectively a stream of consciousness. If I was talking to you about this same subject, it would sound almost exactly the same as it reads. I always thought that talking in such a way makes me sound like a bit of a twat – and it probably does – but last week, while out with a close female friend of mine who talks in a less flowery manner, she commented that my style of fast-pace babbling was one of the reasons why she enjoyed talking to me.

“It’s interesting,” she said after a bottle of wine. “I never know what you’re gonna come out with next. We could talk about the same thing all night and it would sound different.”
I mumbled something throwaway in that sort of false humility that rather than dissuade a flurry of compliments from ensuing, subtly (though bloody obviously) encourages the kind words to continue.
“It’s because you can express yourself. You know how you feel and you describe it better than most people. You might sound like a fairy most of the time, but it’s entertaining at least.”

I was ecstatic with this assessment. Fairy or not, I was at least interesting to some degree, and not the complete tit that I had assumed many took me for.
But the real foundations of my current verbal dexterity are knowledge and practice. Never does a day go by when I don’t try to talk at length about something I have just learnt or experienced. Without an in depth analysis of everything I go through, I would be unable to recollect the relevant information at a late date, thus wasting the experience.

I am also obsessed with knowledge. Without knowledge the hope of entertaining conversation is lessened. Sure, there are plenty of fun and interesting discussions to be had on the analysis of feelings and thoughts on certain philosophical and political matters, but without reference points; without back-up or the awareness of what has gone before, the topic will eventually run dry. Opinion is engaging, but without foundation it is trite and wears thin quickly. But I have plenty of flaws. I am still young – only 24 as I write this article – and I still have all the potential and pretension of men my age. I am a wide-eyed idealist and I’m sure this shows through in the way I talk. I am naïve, but aware of it. I relish my inexperience and seek out those who might be able to make me better at what I enjoy doing. I’ve received many a clip round the ear for youthful impertinence, but just as many impressed nods when my ramblings strike a chord with the older and wiser men whom I seek to impress and emulate.

My boss the other day offered me a piece of advice that resonated:

“You know a lot about watches – more than anyone I’ve ever worked with, but the customers…well, they don’t always need to know what you know or that you know so much.”
“So I should…cut it back a bit?”
“You need to be selective. You see the opportunities to break off at a tangent too easily, and once you get going you find it hard to stop.”
“So I should say less…less is more.”
“Relevance is everything.”
And she was right. Knowing loads is great, but releasing that knowledge into conversation at the right time is a skill I am yet to master. I have my good days and my bad, but I am trying to get better; to become more interesting, more considerate – a better listener.

That is the crux of it all: listen, digest and spin. The aim is to perpetuate enthusiasm and keep things fresh. The less you talk, the more power you have in conversation: you can guide the discourse; you can shape your ideas and comments around the topic rather than inundate your dance-partner with unnecessary information. Hold back, be selective, be creative and smile, damn it. If you ever find yourself saying something cheesy, the only way to carry it off is with gusto: power through your own ridiculousness with a self-assured bent that would put the most misguided politician to shame. It’ll work, and if it doesn’t, come and talk to me about it.


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day; Bar Centro; or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

A (Black and) Golden Era of Tennis...



How cool is Juan Martín Del Potro? Not only is his name as fun to say as Chattanooga is to write, but his distinct black and gold livery gives him the appearance of a 6’ 6” Argentinean bumble-bee with issues, plying his trade as a racket-wielding bandit. He looks like Lucky Luke without the Lucky Strike. He may not have the cigarette, but he’s sure as hell got the fire power as he demonstrated by out-gunning Roger Federer in the US Open final.

For years I have loved Federer. Genuinely loved him. I don’t fancy him, per se, but one swoosh of his well-kempt curls and I start acting like Sue Barker whenever David Ginola looks at her.

And that’s just embarrassing. I mean, for God’s sake! Ginola would totally go for Sue if she’d just ask him out He’s French and hung like a horse for crying out loud. He’s not going to turn down the 1976 French open champion. Or anyone in a skirt for that matter…

As indisputably wonderful as Federer has been over the past decade, there came a point when his total dominance of all slams but the French started to grate on a few in the know, and led them to suggest that his bulldozing of the opposition was little more than a formality due to the lack of talent out there to slow down his race to a record number of majors. There was, of course, Nadal, but until that epic Wimbledon final, his ability to win on anything other than clay, and do so in consistent enough fashion to win a grand slam, was questionable. But then he proved his critics wrong and set about making Roger cry like a little girl at every opportunity. After that somewhat cringe worthy period in Federer’s career, which I like to term ‘the collapse’, the boy from Basel has bounced back, snaring that elusive French open with a cool-headed win over Sweden’s Robin Söderling – the first, and thus far only, man to beat Nadal at Stade Roland Garros. With Nadal’s knees giving him enough gip to make an early retirement a legitimate possibility, Federer was expected to stockpile trophies wholesale.

Britain’s Andy Murray seems to have his number in all tournaments but the ones anyone who doesn’t follow tennis cares about, which is refreshing, but with the King of Clay either on the sidelines or unable to reach them in his usual battling style while on court, there seemed little in Federer’s way when it came to the majors.
And then the bad-ass bumble-bee from Tandil came along. He’s tall, rangy, powerful, fast, deft, combative and, best of all, possesses a temperament that stands up nicely to the unflappable demeanours of the world 1 and 2. He won the US at 21. Twenty bloody one and already that good. I know we’ve had false dawns aplenty in sport – tennis is no exception – but a tour that boasts tournament winning talent in the form of Murray, Federer, Nadal, Djokovic, A-Rod and now Del Potro, means a whetted appetite is now as common as strawberries and cream at SW19.

So who benefits from Del Potro’s rise to the top? Well, him, obviously, but the man who stands to gain the most is old Roger.

Think back to the last time Tennis experienced a Golden era. I’d say it can be found in the heart of the eighties: Borg; Connors; McEnroe; Becker; Lendl; Edberg. The list goes on. What was great about that era? The match-ups; the rivalries; the iconic battles that inspired a generation. Sure, none of those guys came close to matching the sheer wealth of titles Federer has already amassed, but maybe theirs were worth more due to the level of competition. But thanks to JM Del Potro people might not say that when they look back on Federer’s career and count back over the high profile losses: the 5 setter to Nadal at Wimbledon; the 5 setter to Nadal in Melbourne; the 5 setter to Del Potro at Flushing Meadows, and realise that each one, however heart-rending it was at the time, was perhaps more valuable than the ones that went his way.

Winning is all well and good, but without a loss or two to put things in perspective, victory can lose its value.


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Monday, 12 July 2010

Spain on Top of the World After Enduring Dutch Physicality...



Brutal. That's the word. Brutally tough play from the Dutch (a seemingly successful strategy for disrupting Spanish fluidity); brutally harsh refereeing; and a brutally painful end to the Dutch win-streak that how no doubt inspired the cruelest of hopes throughout the Oranje nation.

For 116 minutes the game was deadlocked. The best two chances of the game fell to the feet of Arjen Robben who, in the 62nd minute, was put through on goal by a wonderful Sneijder pass that split the Spanish centre backs in a way previously unseen in the tournament. But Robben was unable to lift the ball over the outstretched leg of Spanish captain, Iker Casillas of Real Madrid. Casillas was once agin called upon to save Spain's title ambitions when Robben's blistering pace saw him bundle his way through the last line of defence, being fouled by Semi-final goal scorer Carlos Puyol. Uncharicteristically, Robben stayed on his feet but the ball ran away from him and into the skidding torso of the Spanish stopper, whose quick reactions preserved the tie at the most crucial moment of the game.

Spain's best chance was almost easier to capitalise upon than Holland's: an unmarked Sergio Ramos (also Real Madrid) met an inswinging corner only to head over when he had all the time in the world to get the ball on target. And moments later Capdevilla found himself in a fortunate position with an opportunity to score, only to see his shot smothered by the impressive Stekelnberg.

As ninety minutes came around the game was still 0-0 so extra time - and the probability of at least one of the many, many yellow cards dihed-out turning to red - beckoned.

The nature of this game - the most important of these players' lives - was a primal one from the offset. The Dutch seemed intent on breaking Spain's smooth rhythm, by breaking the Spanish players themselves. Howard Webb dug had his hand in his pocket more often than a fat kid packing Lemon Bon Bons and produced 9 yellows for Holland (2 for Heitinga who was sent off in extra time for a disputable pull-back) and 5 for Spain, though it should have been more.

Iniesta, the goalscorer, made about four tackles that warranted a yellow, especially when considering his Dutch counterparts were picking-up cards for bothering to turn-up. The exceptions to my defence of the Dutch being harshly penalised are Nigel de Jong's amazing, studs-first pole-axing of Xabi Alonso (who, unbelievably, got-up and carried on playing with minimal fuss after a tackel that would have literally killed Rivaldo) and Mark Van Bommel, who should probably have been arrested for his constant and unrivalled disregard for the rules of football. Ironically, Iniesta was eventually booked for excessive celebrating, but that's one card I'm sure he'll cherish: he can put it on his bedside table with all the get well cards fans will likely be sending his way after some convincing simulation that should have seen him sent off had us and Webb, believeing he might expire on the field of play having been viciously assaulted by the Earth's uncompromisning atmosphere.

As much as I would have liked the Dutch to win, Spain were the better footballing side. Holland showed a side of their game that was ugly - necessary, but ugly. Spain have been remarkably unremarkable this tournament and, in many ways, epitomise the negative football that has been on show the past month. Their style of play is beautifully methodical, and often results in some finely worked goals, but it is incredibly anal (and not in the good, Tiger Woods kind of way).

The Dutch had fire that, unfortunately on this occassion, translated into violence rather than technical mastery. That's a 0-3 record for the Dutch in WC finals now, and a perfect appearance record for the Spanish, joining England as the only winners to have never lost a final. Sure, it means more when you've won five, but it's a good enough start for a team that has finally fulfilled their potential and the dreams of a nation. Here's to 2014 and a Spain Germany final. I sure as hell can't wait.


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Sunday, 11 July 2010

Germany Snare Bronze, Forlan Must Wait for Glory.....



Germany won a thrilling third/fourth place playoff against Uruguay. The Germans started strongly and it looked, for a while at least, as if they might run away with the game in a fashion similar to their destructions of England (4-1) and Argentina (4-0) prior to their upsetting loss to the Spaniards (0-1) who play the Dutch in tonight's final for top honours.

The Schwarz, Rot, Geld took the lead through a Thomas Mueller tap in after Bastian Schweinsteiger's long-range shot rebounded off the keeper and into his young teammate's path. The goal put Mueller on 5 goals for the tournament, tying the tallies of Villa and Sneijder who both play tomorrow. Should either fail to score in the final, the Golden boot will go to Mueller who leads the assists category, which acts as a tiebreaker in such situations.

But shortly after the beginging of what was looking like a routine German rout, Uruguay equalised. And shortly after the restart Diego Forlan brought his own goal tally to 5 by netting a superb volly, driven into the ground and lifting back up into the top corner to leave veteran German keeper Butt stranded.

With Uruguay leading 2-1 the game opened up and both teams found opportunites to score, but it was the German's who capitalised on some poor goalkeeping when Jenson headed in their second. What followed was a furious twenty minutes that somehow remained scoreless. And then, in the last ten minutes of the game, a botched clearance saw a Mesut Ozil corner sit-up for Khedira to nod in a soft, well-placed header for the winner.

Substitute Kiessling missed an absolute sitter than would have been one of the goals of the tournament (and won me £50 having bet on the German's to score four+) but it was not to be their fourth such goal accrual of this, a most magnifcent tournament for the German babes.

They now take home their bronze medals and dreams of glory in 2014. And who would bet against them? The team is solid and entirely based in the bundesliga; the adidas sponsorship of their domestic league means they will always get the World Cup ball before other nations; and in four years time, their whole team will be in the prime of their lives (except for the aging Arne Friedrich who will likely have hung up his boots by then).

Ballack will be srry to have missed out on Germany's run, but his presence may have subdued the livliness his young and eager teammates displayed in his absence. Germany's failure to win the World Cup for a fourth time may signal their longest wait for the cup to return home in the competitions history, but there is much to hearten die-hard fans. Patience is all that is required - their next big chance of silverware will be Euro 2012 and I doubt very much they will be found lacking the desire and cohesion to go all the way and play-out a probable rematch with the Spanish, who too are built to last.


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Saturday, 10 July 2010

Fight for Third...



Germany find themselves contesting third place for the second tournament running. Last time round, they beat a somewhat fortunate-to-be-there Portugal side 3-1. And now, in the penultimate game of South Africa 2010, they will face a team that too has ridden a wave of luck to the latter stages.

Uruguay have been impressive, no doubt. But the 2010 incarnation of the Hand of God shrouds their success in a controversy that has been regrettably exaggerated. In time even the Ghanaians will laugh about the incident that failed to provide La Celeste with a passage to the final after they went down to a solid Holland side in the Semis. Neither Ghana nor Uruguay, however spirited and emotionally indomitable, had the class to go all the way. 3-2 makes it look like the Uruguayans almost beat the Dutch, but the score line is flattering (although some might say it is so both ways, given Holland’s fortunately upheld second goal that shifted them into a higher gear). And even if the South Americans of the Africans had they prevailed, had beaten the Orangemen, they could not have beaten Spain.

Despite losing their opener to the Swiss and then putting-in solid, if vapid performances against Honduras, Chile and Paraguay, Spain are rolling. Their string of one-goal victories may not look impressive, but they have conceded just two goals in the tournament. They are solid, patient and perennially dangerous. Ghana would have looked amateurish in comparison, and Uruguay would have looked like a group of bullies running from the athletically superior police whilst in possession of a stolen ball.

So the best two teams are in the final (I have an inexplicable loathing of watching Brazil win over and over again so I might be slightly biased in that statement). But neither team has yet put-in a performance that evens glimmers of their pre-tournament form. The Dutch are scoring, but how? Sneijder’s last two goals (which moved his tally to 5, joint best with Spain’s David Villa) were deflections. Spain are almost entirely reliant on David Villa to continue his close-to-goal-a-game form, thanks to Fernando Torres being laid up in a Liverpudlian hospital after going on a bender with Alex Ferguson and having to endure the tournament-ending ignominy of having his stomach removed and replaced with that of Tony Adams (a real man), and being forced to send his younger, shorter-haired brother who happens to be shit at football, to the tournament in his place. Who will prevail? I want the Dutch to win (at last), but I think Spain will grind out a technically superb, if slightly un-explosive victory and take the cup back to Madrid to the open arms of their expecting people.

And as for third place, Germany simply have to win. I foresee myriad balls being lofted in to Miroslav Klose as a brace would see him on 16 World Cup goals for his career, and become the World Cup’s highest ever goal scorer, surpassing Fat Ronaldo and breaking the current tie with compatriot Gerd Mueller.

3-1 in the third place playoff for Germany.

1-0 in the final for Spain.

You read it here first.


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Friday, 9 July 2010

All Aboard the Manx Express...



Mark Cavendish is a British Sportsman in the mould of Andy Murray. Almost exactly two years Murray's senior, Cav is less often on in the spotlight given his career as a road cyclist and the frustrating dearth of coverage the sport is given in the UK. When he does make the headlines, however, he does so for similar reasons to Murray: the British public - used to a string of lovable losers, or gentlemen as the softies like to dub heroes like Henman - seem unable to handle the level of bloodlust that drives Cav to be the best. Murray too suffers from such a backlash: He's dubbed "moody", "arrogant, "rude". Well, maybe they are all those things, but one thing they are for sure is winners. Both men manage to make Britain credible on a world stage that is dominated by the cool-headed continentals. We Brits are so often the plucky runners-up that when a ballsy, no-nonense bloke from Blighty steps-up to the plate and serves out seven helpings of Old Aunt Bessie's Right Royal Hidings and then flips his defeated opponent the bird before assaulting the press with a barrage of expletives, we turn bright red and do what we can to distance ourselves from the men, whilst embracing their historical achievements as if they were our own children.

Cav has endured an awful lot of bad press this year, following explosion onto the world cycling scene in 2009 when he won 6 stages of the Tour de France, thus confirming the flashes of elite talent shown the previous year in which he won 4 stages of le Tour. His credentials are superb - almost unrivalled in British history in his category. He is the fastest man on two wheels, the Bullet, the Manx Machine, but the press don't like his brashness; his 'disrespectful' riding style; his recklessness.

He was blamed for a major crash in the Tour of Switzerland and fined for the incident, which, on reflection was probably only half his fault. His reputation was as muddy as his twelve-year old knees might have been when he first got in to mountain bike racing. But Cav - a surprisingly vulnerable character as demonstrated by his emotional breakdown post Stage 5 - has battled through the criticism and is learnng to let his riding do the talking. He's got some way to go before he keeps his mouth shut after the wheels stop turning, but should he even try to placate the naysayers?

He's not a bad person; he's not even a nasty guy. In fact he is charming; a gentleman; a good laugh. Cav's only problem per se, is his passion. And that's waht makes him awesome. We should embrace the fire; douse it with petrol; stoke it where we can. Murray's the same: we should gee these guys up: if they need to be angry or pissed off or carry a chip on their shoulder to compete at the highest level, then let them get on with it. How nice it is to aspire to emulate a true battler's achievements, and breaking down in tears when all that hard work and dedication fails to pay off, rather than accepting a simpering straight sets loss to a lesser player who had more bottle on the day.

Cav is a hero, as is Murray. For once I am proud and excited to be a British sports fan.


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Thursday, 8 July 2010

Spain Look Like Germany in Dispatching the Deutsch Hot-shots...



Well, the dream-run of the inspiring German team that sent England packing, before dismantling fancied Argentina 4-0, is over.

Last night, the high-scoring Germans were beaten 1-0 by a workmanlike Spain, who, in the process, did a fine impression of their opponents' 2002 counterparts who reached the final after a string of solid, if unconvincing, 1-0 victories.

Wanna know an interesting face? I know you do: this final (Holland Vs Spain) is the first final since 1978 when Argentina felled the Dutch (appearing then in the second straight final) that will guarantee us a new champion.

Neither Spain - who prior to this tournament had never reached the Semis - or the Dutch have ever lifted the World Cup. So who deserves it more? It can hardly be argued that Spain have played better football than their orange-clad opponents: they have muddled through the knock-out stages with 3 straight 1-0 victories and even lost their opener by the same score line to the dire Swiss. Holland, however, have won all their games and, although conceding in each of their knock-out contests, have prevailed with style. They dispatched a plucky Slovakia, came from behind to ruin the Brazilian party and won what turned into a shoot-out against the optimistic and opportunistic Uruguayans.

I'm plugging for the Dutch - three losses in the big game would be too much to bear for this, the most overdue nation in international football. I think Sneijder, Kuyt and co have the firepower, but Spain have two things that make them hard to beat in the contests that matter: defence and patience. The Spanish passing game is even better than the Dutch when on form and they will be out to maintain possession and methodically break-down the easily frustrated Netherlanders.

Whatever happens it's gonna be a spectacle. Do Not Miss Out!


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Wednesday, 7 July 2010

The Sun Sets on La Celeste...



The Dutch have made it to their third World Cup Final after overcoming a spirited Uruguay side who were, for the last ten minutes of what proved to be an overlong match thanks to the unexpected presence of the Old Trafford Clock, without their talismanic striker, and joint top-scorer for the tournament, Diego Forlan. Forlan had, earlier in the night, lashed in a first half equaliser after a 41 yard strike from unlikely hero, Giovanni Van Bronckhorst.

Going in at 1-1 at the break must have heartened the Uruguayans who were in the ascendency. But, half way through the second half, Wesley Sneijder scored his second deflected goal in as many matches in a play that had Robin Van Persie in a dubiously offside position: Van Persie’s trailing leg was offside at the time of Sneijder’s strike and his movement, which in real-time looked to be an attempt on the ball, should have deemed him active and thus negated the goal. However, replays show that Van Persie may have been attempting to get out of the way of the ball, but even if that was the case, his presence in an offside position must surely have hindered the keeper’s chances of saving the errant ball.

Either way, Holland looked to have atoned for their luck when, less than ten minutes later, Arjen Robben scored with his head after a pinpoint cross from Dirk Kuyt (who should, in this writer’s humble opinion, be considered for player of the tournament) found him alone in the box. Robben’s superbly angled header touched the inside of the post as it squirmed in and looked to have booked the Dutch a certain appearance in the greatest game in football.

But Uruguay did not give-in. With the clock on 91 minutes of an expected 93 to be played, a trick free-kick resulted in a powerful swerving shot finding a new home in the back of the Dutch goal – 3-2 with 90 seconds to play. Only there weren’t 90 seconds, but a further 3 minutes thanks to some suspicious time-keeping from the referee. Over those extra seconds, the Uruguayans peppered the Dutch goal with shots and the Orangemen defended desperately; clinging to a lead that, just moments before, had seemed insurmountable.

As vicious as Uruguay’s attempts to equalise were, the Netherlands held on and will now face the winner of Germany and Spain who play tonight.

As a confessed fan of the Dutch I cannot be sad at this result, but I am sorry to see Uruguay go home: they have brought life and passion to this tournament and embody the necessities of hard-work and luck in making it to the final four. Forlan can hold his head up high for leading this team so far. La Celeste will be sorely missed.


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Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Winning Memories, Losing Faith...



This article was written for THE HARE Newspaper in October 2009

Earlier this week I decided to write an anecdotal piece on a gambling experience that taught me something about life. Well, I struggled for a while to ascertain what the two starkest sporting memories in my life had taught me, and whether, once I had strained away the tears and mopped up all the pain, there was anything of note left to discuss.

It was only after I forced myself to relive the earlier of the two sporting tragedies to which I have alluded, that the shuddering realisation of what I’d learned hit home.

Roll back the clock twelve years: August 1997, Norfolk. My granddad – the one sentient grandparent I had ever known – died. I cried – quite a bit. In the ten years that followed I refused to cry, no matter how bad I felt, no matter what was said about me or the trials I, like any other teenager, was forced to endure, because nothing – nothing – was worse than losing my granddad.

And then it happened – the first week of February 2008. Tom Brady and his previously undefeated New England Patriots moved me to tears. On the floor of the bar in which I had just watched the upstart New York Giants led by the cool hand of Eli Malling and the freakish athleticism of the now incarcerated Plaxico Burress, defeat the team of dreams. Okay. So you may hate the Pats. You may hate Tom Brady’s perfect jaw line or the fact that he’s a lock for the Hall of Fame, looks good in a Stetson and even better in Gisele Bündchen. But I – a long-standing Arizona Cardinals supporter – was behind New England that year because of what they were doing: they were writing history. And, on the final page of their magnum opus, Eli and the blessed bunch of blue-clad bastards from the big apple, burst into their study and knocked over the pot of ink. All that work; all those amazing victories: wasted; ruined; doomed to be forgotten.

Of course it was the greatest and the most terrible moment of sport I had ever witnessed. Manning and co had brutally raped perfection before my eyes, with no little thanks going to David Tyree who performed an acrobatic, spine-defying play now known simply as ‘the catch’. Brady was disconsolate and, with the clinical stoicism they had displayed throughout a truly remarkable, however dispassionate season, the Patriots trudged off the field as the Giants collected the Lombardi trophy and streamers of Giants red, Giants white and Giants blue, rained around.

By this time I was lying on my back – my Tom Brady jersey an inch deep in beer – in the middle of the bar, bawling my eyes out. Something had broken inside me. Something beautiful had been destroyed and in its place a monument to possibility had been erected.

Wonderful for sport? I would say so. Horrible for history? I don’t know…either way you look at it, history was made that night. But it is sad to acknowledge that the Giants’ achievements will not seem so unrivalled down the stretch. Underdog victories are ten a penny, especially in American Football.

But seven in a row! Now that is magnificent.

I am referring to an accumulator bet I placed on Euro 2008. I predicted wins in seven games and, having won the first six – one or two in fantastically dramatic fashion – the final game, Italy versus France, was set to be a corker. I had backed the French to the disbelief of my friends, but when the pundit’s marked them as pre-match favourites my hopes were cruelly raised. Ten minutes in it was all over. France were reduced to ten men via a harsh red card and their most electrifying payer, Franck Ribery, had been carted off the field with a tournament-ending injury. Italy’s defence held fast and the world champions ran out comfortable winners. I didn’t cry this time. I was sick to the stomach. I had stood to win £1000 from a £2 stake, but it wasn’t even the money that got to me (well, maybe a little). It was the bastardisation of history: a spoiled fairytale. I had already rehearsed the version I would tell to my grandkids. Now they’ll never get to hear how close I came, because, like Tom Brady’s ’07 Patriots, nobody remembers second best.


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