Fight for Third...

Germany find themselves contesting third place for the second tournament running. Last time round, they beat a somewhat fortunate-to-be-there Portugal side 3-1. And now, in the penultimate game of South Africa 2010, they will face a team that too has ridden a wave of luck to the latter stages.

Uruguay have been impressive, no doubt. But the 2010 incarnation of the Hand of God shrouds their success in a controversy that has been regrettably exaggerated. In time even the Ghanaians will laugh about the incident that failed to provide La Celeste with a passage to the final after they went down to a solid Holland side in the Semis. Neither Ghana nor Uruguay, however spirited and emotionally indomitable, had the class to go all the way. 3-2 makes it look like the Uruguayans almost beat the Dutch, but the score line is flattering (although some might say it is so both ways, given Holland’s fortunately upheld second goal that shifted them into a higher gear). And even if the South Americans of the Africans had they prevailed, had beaten the Orangemen, they could not have beaten Spain.

Despite losing their opener to the Swiss and then putting-in solid, if vapid performances against Honduras, Chile and Paraguay, Spain are rolling. Their string of one-goal victories may not look impressive, but they have conceded just two goals in the tournament. They are solid, patient and perennially dangerous. Ghana would have looked amateurish in comparison, and Uruguay would have looked like a group of bullies running from the athletically superior police whilst in possession of a stolen ball.

So the best two teams are in the final (I have an inexplicable loathing of watching Brazil win over and over again so I might be slightly biased in that statement). But neither team has yet put-in a performance that evens glimmers of their pre-tournament form. The Dutch are scoring, but how? Sneijder’s last two goals (which moved his tally to 5, joint best with Spain’s David Villa) were deflections. Spain are almost entirely reliant on David Villa to continue his close-to-goal-a-game form, thanks to Fernando Torres being laid up in a Liverpudlian hospital after going on a bender with Alex Ferguson and having to endure the tournament-ending ignominy of having his stomach removed and replaced with that of Tony Adams (a real man), and being forced to send his younger, shorter-haired brother who happens to be shit at football, to the tournament in his place. Who will prevail? I want the Dutch to win (at last), but I think Spain will grind out a technically superb, if slightly un-explosive victory and take the cup back to Madrid to the open arms of their expecting people.

And as for third place, Germany simply have to win. I foresee myriad balls being lofted in to Miroslav Klose as a brace would see him on 16 World Cup goals for his career, and become the World Cup’s highest ever goal scorer, surpassing Fat Ronaldo and breaking the current tie with compatriot Gerd Mueller.

3-1 in the third place playoff for Germany.

1-0 in the final for Spain.

You read it here first.


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day; Bar Centro; or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.