There is something undeniably cool about awful, sun-cracked, weather-beaten, peeling lips on the cragged face of a leonine adventurer, fresh from his unearthing of lost civilisations in the desert and the rescuing of countless Egyptian Virgins (at the time of rescuing) from evil, fez-wearing shamans wearing the off-cuts of a rundown haberdashery.
But we are not Shackleton, Scott, nor Hemingway. One day, perhaps, we will be looked back upon as men of similar fastidiousness and industry; men of bravery and character; men of the big wide world they helped make smaller and more accessible.
Until that time, though, we must take care of our lips. And I know you want to know how.
Having bad lips sucks. It is also very easy to find yourself chapped, and have no bloody clue how it happened.
Too much beer, you might think. Too many cigarettes, perhaps? Not enough water? Too much kissing? Have I been sunbathing? Maybe all of these things; maybe none. Sometimes it’s just the weather running your chances of pulling. I mean, what girl in her right mind would want to kiss your horrible, flaky laughing gear?
This happens to me on at least a biannual basis – when it’s too hot in summer and – worse by far – when it’s too cold in winter.
Every year I have tried moisturisers, lip balms, tinctures and tablets, water and cucumber – anything to calm my horrible, un-kissable word flaps. Nothing worked.
But now I have the solution…
For this treatment you will need a decent (but not ludicrously expensive) medicated lip balm (Carmex (around £3.50 from boots or Topshop etc.) is good, but Lipsalve light blue (about £2.50 from Boots) is better in my opinion), a blue Vaseline (Boots, around a quid), an old toothbrush that you are NEVER to use on your teeth again, and some hot water.
Lightly wet your old toothbrush with hot water and rub it in the Vaseline (yeah, gross, but trust me). Now place the bristles of the toothbrush on your lips and scrub (very gently) the affected areas (usually the whole caboodle) in a circular motion. Replenish the goo when necessary and increase the pressure if you get used to the mild tingling/agonisingly painful twang of masticatory beautification.
When done, press your lips together like a little lost fish until they are dry(ish), then apply a LIGHT coating of medicated lip balm.
DO this maybe once a week if necessary, but once a fortnight or month is sufficient.
DO drink more water – try to get 8 glasses (2 litres) a day. That’ll help.
DO NOT use your lip balm excessively. This will make you dependent on the stuff and your lips will never get better.
DO leave me a generous stake in your will as a thank you. x
Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.
E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.
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