On Style: Hats...

I have a collection of hats that baffles all who see it.
“But I’ve never seen you wear a hat,” my girlfriend of six months said when I felt the time had come to show her my hoard of headgear.
“Ah, yes!” I said, raising my index finger, “But I might need one someday.”
“Fair enough,” she said, looking unconvinced, “but do you really need three Trilbies?”
Of course I do. And more to the point, they’re not Trilbies; they’re Homburgs. I tell you, there’s one hat I don’t own – a bowler. Very nearly on so many occasions I have made it to the till with one in hand, but I would only have worn it as a novelty and a deliberate showpiece. Not even I could take myself totally seriously in a bowler…
But one day I will give it a whirl – if I ever head back to the banking trade, that is.
Hats do many things: they complete your look; they add an extra dimension to your cranial proportions; they can display your sporting allegiance; serve a function; keep you warm; shield your face from the wind; remind you of a fond memory; or, my old dad used to say, cover your ugly mug.
The master of backhanded complements, my father would often remind anyone who cared to listen that all hats suited me…because they hid my Quasimodo-esque phizog.
Thanks dad.
Familial fractiousness aside, hats can hide your face if you are particularly ugly or self-conscious, but this is not a mindset we choose to employ here, on this blog. Everyone has something good about them. Even if you’re a fucking troll, there are a lot of decent looking women out there who collect trolls. What’s most important is that you get out there and make sure she (miss right) knows she’s missing a troll of your proportions and that her collection, and by proxy her vagina, would benefit from your addition.
And so we get to the crunch – hats can only be worn well by people with enough confidence to fill their hat at least once, preferably three times over.
This is a good gauge of whether you’re brave enough to go stratospheric with your headpiece. Imagine your self-confidence in liquid form (gloop or jelly will do). Now pour it into a baseball cap. Does it overflow or does it sit below the peak? If it overflows, maybe you can go for a trucker cap (imagine the mesh holds the gloop of self assurance). If you’re splashing around, knee deep in gloop that’s making your ankles peacock, try a homburg, a trilby, a bowler, a topper…
The possibilities are almost endless. Pulling off a hat require gusto and humongous balls. When you start out wearing your hat outside, wear it between locals and remove it before you arrive so you are carrying the hat, but do not feel like a prick. When you get used to having on your person, people will want to see it on your head. Oblige and ease it in until you feel comfortable.
Then the fun can really begin*.

* As long as you have coordinated your hat with shoes/gloves/watch strap/belt. Otherwise go back to the start and try again. Love x.


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