Winning Reputation...

Although it is a well-known fact that most bats live in caves, enjoy hanging upside-down and drinking the blood of virgins, some of their species prefer to do none of these things and, instead, wile away their days, sitting on the branch of a particularly tall tree, watching the world play out its follies beneath their perch, all the while plotting relentlessly how best to exploit the exploitable.

One such bat, who, for the sake of his narrative we will call BAT, was sat on his branch the day war broke out in the forest.

I could go into the politics behind the sudden and violently explosive conflict, but in short, TORTOISE had been caught with his hands in the till and THE HARE was, needless to say, thoroughly pissed off.

And so THE HARE assembled his forces from forms across the land – even a few rabbits dropped by to aid the slaughter. TORTOISE, whose shell made him a rather tough nut to crack, e-mailed his second cousins in the Galapagos and spent his time erecting a fort.

From his branch BAT could see the forces amassing. It was his humble opinion – which was highly regarded due to his having read extensively on the subjects of warfare and artillery – that TORTOISE had the better chance of victory due to his defensive strategy.

Knowing that the war would soon escalate to and he would have to fight he swooped down from the tree to pick his side. Feeling that victory would fall to the boys in green, he lined-up with TORTOISE’S troops.

The war began and, sure enough, after three months of combat, during which no causalities were suffered on either side due to the hiring of the A-team’s stunt coordinator to choreograph the battles, TORTOISE mounted the battered body of THE HARE and proclaimed himself victor.

BAT flew back to his tree.

“Mint,” he said to himself as he settled down to a brew and a well-earned hour of Colombo, “I picked the right side.”

Well, be that as it may, peace did not reign long. Within a month the armies had reassembled and THE HARE marched on the ‘Tort-Fort’.

Again Bat looked down on the skirmishes breaking-out across the wood. This time he ruled that THE HARE was at a significant advantage by merit of having procured a tank and something resembling a harrier jump-jet from somewhere like Stockport.

“Well, this is an easy choice,” smiled BAT, as he swooped to join the ranks of THE HARE, “We will win with ease!” And so they did.

But then followed a period of peace: TORTOISE apologised for being a pikey git, dismantled Tort-Fort, and left BAT in an awkward and, in all honesty, socially untenable position.

One day he was on his way back from Woolyworths, when he was accosted by both THE TORTOISE and THE HARE.

“Hi BAT,” they said; their tongues sharpened like daggers. “We couldn’t help but notice you are the only forest chum who is wearing two victory medals and we don’t like it. Your allegiance is cowardly and unwanted. He who stands with strength is weak himself; he who stands up for what he believes in is, win or lose, stronger by far. Fly out of this forest, BAT, and do not return until you have earned a victory of your own.”


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.