The Tortoise and The Hare...

It is likely that, at some point in your life, you have encountered the fable; The Tortoise and the Hare. What did you think? Cutesy? Reassuring? Or did you find it a tad…unsettling?

Many of Aesop’s fables have left us with morals that, although well-intentioned at their core, are fast becoming obsolete. But still children are taught to believe in principles, the application of which to reality can be damaging to a positive and progressive life-outlook.

I take particular exception to the false mantra; slow and steady wins the race. This is simply not the case. Fast and steady wins the race, but the almost mandatory acceptance that the fusion of the two is impossible is responsible for the cultural regression of the west.

We at THE HARE decided to take a look into the creation of Aesop’s most famous fable, because there was something about it that didn’t quite add up. So we did some digging and, thanks to the generous testimonies of eye-witnesses, some previously unreferenced documents and the Hare’s own personal Dictaphone on which he recorded every conversation he ever had, we have constructed a very different, wholly believable account of what actually happened on that fateful day…

It was summertime. England was basking in the international praise for its finest athlete’s victory in the recent Olympic games. The Hare’s superlative performance in the 100m was the stuff of legend and he had just returned home in triumph.

Meanwhile, an old, pathetic Tortoise was complaining about his lot. He was using the Hare as an example of why life was unfair. The Hare was fast; he was slow. The Hare was famous; he was unknown. The Hare was great; he was a nobody.

The Tortoise’s complaints were overheard by a cunning slave, Aesop, who also had a hatred for successful, talented people who worked hard.

So the two joined forces and formulated a plan. Aesop was, at that time, subsidising his slave-wages by working for a local rag and saw a way to defame the deserving Hare for good. One day, the Hare was training in the park when he was approached by Aesop who told him the heart-rending story of his poor, downtrodden Tortoise-friend who was in desperate need of a pick-me-up. Aesop requested that the Hare race the Tortoise and lose to him on purpose. Otherwise, the Tortoise would likely end his miserable life.

The Hare agreed: what could an act of such philanthropy cost the Hare? Nothing – successful men can afford charity. And so the race went ahead and the Hare, winking at Aesop from beneath a tree, lost on purpose.

The next day a front page spread labelling the Hare as arrogant appears and his rep is ruined. Aesop emerges a bit of a legend because all the other losers agree with him and his revolutionary moral: it’s ok to be a little bit shit as long as you’re not a tosser. Well, newsflash: it’s not. We shouldn’t be telling our children that mediocrity is acceptable; that trying one’s best and failing miserably amounts to a good day’s work.

The Tortoise is not a hero. He is an example of the world’s banality. But our alternate fable champions an uncomfortable truth: to succeed, you’ve got to be the best. Well, it’s a fact. And it’s about time Aesop and his supporters got used to it.


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

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