On Style: Skin...

Keeping your skin looking fresh and vital is really all about a routine and the right diet. In my experience, you can eat what you want as long as you make sure you’re getting the right minerals and vitamins into system, one way or another.

To ease the stress of long-term planning, I would suggest taking an all-in-one vitamin supplement in the mornings, such as Berocca. Better still are Tesco’s own brand of the same effervescent tablets, which can often be found in a 3-for-2 deal, and are half the price of the named article to begin with. Twenty tablets per pack come in at about £1.50-£2, or 10p a day.

If you suffer from Acne or the incessant emergence of whiteheads, talk to your doctor about the possibility of being prescribed Minocycline – an antibiotic that is issued in 56-day packs and should clear up your skin in no time.

Now on to the fun stuff…

There are all sorts of tinctures and potions available these days that claim to give you skin as soft an smooth as Aphrodite’s left arse cheek. Attractive a possibility as that might be, finding one that works for you and your skin type isn’t as easy as simply buying the most expensive thing you can find and persevering. If it’s not right to begin with, it isn’t going to get any better, and while a cleanser unsuited to your skin type might keep your face clean, just as soap and water would, it won’t give you the healthy, glowing look you expect/deserve after shelling-out so much of your hard-earned cash.

You should probably get your skin looked-at by a cosmetics professional. Clinique do a good analysis service to ascertain your skin type, with a view to selling you a bag-load of their not ineffective products. Hold off before purchase and test the market…

The way to do this is to ask for samples – try everything. Pop in to Boots and get an armful of sachets, before working through them all over the following weeks. Which feel nice on your face? Which ones leave you with a tightness that won’t quit? Which ones aid the reduction of blemishes? Which ones smell nice etc.? Once you’ve identified your top brands, go back to the store and talk to their representatives.

A little charm and boldness should see you get a good deal – the cost of these items means the company’s can afford to lure you to their camp with freebies and the like. Stock up on as many moisturiser testers as you can and keep the miniaturised versions of your kit aside for an overnight bag so you’re never caught cracking-up after a day off the juice.

As for brands, it really is up to you. If I could offer my personal recommendation, it would be for Biotherm. Their moisturisers are second to none, and with a range of scrubs to guarantee a clean shave and eye treatments for that twinkly look, they do have most of what you could imagine. Clinique too are good, and less expensive and ubiquitously available. For a dirt-cheap alternative, the Body Shop has a great range that might suit your skin (if you’re lucky).

But here’s the rub: with these things you get what you pay for. Clothes you can modify and combine with other items to fill in the gaps and create a viable outfit out of very little. You can’t hide the imperfections in your skin. If you’re intent on getting the girl, think of this:

James Dean was sexy as hell and all he had was good skin, gravity-defying hair and a white T-Shirt; Baron Silas Greenback of Danger Mouse fame wore one of the snappiest three piece tweeds in the history of super-crime and he was definitely a virgin by virtue of his warty, toad-like skin*.

I believe that point has been well made.


* He was actually a toad, so was, unlike you, screwed from the offset.


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On Style: Hair...

This is a difficult place to start. How to style your hair and keep it looking clean and healthy depends entirely on your hair-type. There are plenty of specialist hair products to reduce the effects of dandruff – a must – and the purchase of a lint roller should be able to shift the flecks that seem intent on settling-down on your shoulders.

Obviously, the kind of gel/moose/dress that you use for your hair is dependant on your chosen style. For men, the short back and sides cannot be overlooked as the premier choice for a smart, crisp look.

But there are different ways to wear the style. If you are of a heavier build, shorter is wiser: it’s cooler, makes your head look smaller and looks right with a stacked body. If you’re of medium build – a regular man shape – let it grow a bit; say twice as long on the back and sides and three-four times as long on top. This is a versatile middle-ground: you can slick it back a la Don Draper at work, or allow the odd strand or two to invade your forehead for the Don Draper ‘hunched-over-a-pint-of-whiskey’ look. The first style should be held in place with matt-look putty – moose makes short hair too heavy and regular gel will leave you looking like a fourteen year old boy on his way to a school disco. If you don’t like the feel of hold products on your hair, try a leave-in conditioner to add a natural, healthy shine, and to subdue the stiffness of jutting dry hairs for a slicker look.

One of the more popular options – and the only other I would advocate for the smart look – is a slightly more rebellious; undisputedly more tussled look.

Go very short on the sides – say, a two. If you have a beard or stubble, shave it to the same length as your back and sides. For the top, keep it long – maybe four inches or so. Have an occipital bun-hugging fade (bet you’ve never heard that before) and ruffle the top increasingly from the crown forward. End with a side-swept, uneven fringe and just roll with and flicks and resilient strands. This look really works with skinny denim – both shirts and jeans – and the updated ‘James Dean’ swagger. It can be made smart too, with a good deal of moisturising hair dress that will not only keep your barnet smooth, but hydrated as well.


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NFL Round-up: Week 3

If someone had taken me aside prior to the kick-off of NFL 2010, and proposed a betting scam that would leave just three undfeated teams in the league after as many weeks, I might have listened...

Until, of course, my said informant suggested we back the Kansas City Chiefs, the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Chicago Bears to make it to 3-0.

"You're crazy," I would've said, "There's no way anyone will buy it: it's tosh!"

Tosh or not, that's exactly what has happened.

The Steelers aren't a huge surprise - they are, at least, an upper-echelon team who many, including this humble journalist, predicted would struggle in the absence of all-star QB, Ben Roethlisberger.

There has been no hangover from Big Ben's drunken antics with another young woman, and now Coach Tomlin faces an unbelievable decision: stick with Batch on Ben's return, or hand the reins of a winning football team back to its rightly owner? I doubt Tomlin will lose much sleep over this,but imagine if the Steelers slide when Ben gets back on the field - careers have been sent into a tailspin by less...

The Bears beat my Superbowl pick on Monday night, by edging the Packers 20-17 in an error-strewn affair.

The Pack aren't clicking as they were in preseason and now hold a slender one game lead over division rivals, the Minnesota Vikings, who bounced back against the Lions this week.

Could the bears keep this up? Yeah, why not - I think it's looking more and more certain that at least one Wild Card will come from the NFC North. At this rate, though, it might not be either team we expected.

And as for Kansas...

Well, what can I say? I still think they will finish outside of the playoffs - no doubt sliding to third when the Chargers and Broncos get in the right gear, but no one can take anything away from this god-awful team who have found a way to win.

Brad Childress and his Vikings (1-2) should look to Todd Haley for an example of how to scrape a decent meal out of scraps...


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'Tis the Season...

Ah, what joy! Autumn is upon us and close on its heels are the wintry months of November-February.

While many run to the cover of their homes to avoid the snow and sleet of England at this time, I intend to make the most of the cold season by bolstering my wardrobe with a wealth of new styles and looks that will not only keep me warm, but fill me with a warm feeling of sartorial superiority.

But I am far from a believer in keeping fashion tips and tricks to myself: how wonderful a world would it be where everyone had the clothes that portrayed them as they wish to be portrayed? Although such a dream may seem superficial (because it is) and unimportant (though it isn't), appearances count for a great deal in a world where making a good first impression is more important than ever.

Life is rarely a meritocracy. Too often people's talents are overlooked, because they can't make the inner beauty translate into outward confidence.

I'm no shrink; I can't change people's personalities. But I can offer-up the advice I have been given over my years in and around the fashion industry, in the hope that you might be able to take a that which relates to your particular leanings and twist it to your advantage.

Don't be cast by the wayside because your shoes don't match your belt, or because you're tie-knot sits awkwardly in your collar. From top to toe I will spend the coming weeks imparting as much of what I know about presentation as I can.

I hope you enjoy the coming posts, which will start on Wednesday the 29th: if you have any tips of your own, send them to me! The pursuit of sartorial elegance is a long and tricky endeavour, and I too need all the help I can get.

Much love,

R. Jay Nudds


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NFL Round-up: Weeks 1 and 2...

Top Three Teams:
1. The Houston Texans
Matt Schaub capped his career season last year with a trip to the Pro Bowl and the MVP award in the All-Star game. It was no less than the one-time Atlanta Back-up deserved, and has, in light of his not insignificant talents, well overdue.

Schaub and his Herculean receiver, Andre Johnson, helped the Texans to the franchise's first winning record in history. Playing with a young and talented defence, the Texans sneaked a 9-7 and almost into the back door of the playoffs.

That was not to be, but it got the pundits wondering whether to rate this up-and-coming side, or consign their season to the books as nothing more than an anomaly.

Well, two weeks in and the Texans are undefeated. Not only that (as a handful of rubbish teams - Kansas City and Tampa - are also 2-0), but those two wins include a stomping of long-time division bosses, the Indianapolis Colts, and a remarkable come-from behind win against the Redskins in Week 2.

People are starting to sit-up and take notice of this team. If they continue to play like this, with a balanced offense and lively, opportunistic D, then they will win their division by deposing the Colts.

2. The Miami Dolphins
2-0 after battling through some gritty games - Chad Henne and crew are getting the job done, and although its far from pretty, only one stat matters come January.

Brandon Marshall has been productive, but not yet fully utilised by the emerging Henne. When the young QB's confidence spikes, expect to see a lot of Marshall in the End zone.

In a tough division that boasts the Jets and Patriots as division rivals, many - including myself - picked the Fins to finish third. I stand by that (I believe they will fade down the stretch), but there's nothing to stop them grinding out the AFC East title if they keep their heads. Possible? I doubt it, but kudos to the Florida outfit for playing hard and being ready in Weeks 1 and 2

3. The Pittsburgh Steelers
Pretty much everybody wrote this team off. I did at first, but found myself asking why about three weeks in to the preseason.

Okay, so this team has lost a few names and are weakened by Roethlisberger's absence, but the core is largely the same as it was when the team won a pair of Superbowls.

They play in a tough division, too, but they've always been top-dogs. No, I think my reason for writing off the Steelers early, might just be general dislike for their almost fluky success.

They are a good team - always playoff calibre. But did their roster really merit two rings in almost as many years? I don't think so...

The Steelers are playing ugly football, but they are winning without Roethlisberger. They could get a whole lot better when he returns. That could be bad news for opponents at the tail end of the regular season.


And those in need of a Hail Mary...
1. The Minnesota Vikings
2 games, 2 losses, 4 Favre turnovers in an error-strewn display at Miami. What's going on?

Well, the Vikings are playing hurt, but look like dirt. They need to dust off their white pants and get their heads back in the game, or legendary gunslinger, Brett Favre, will be forced to walk away from the sport he loves, surrounded by a grossly anticlimactic storm of publicity.

They will get better (they can't get worse), and their points-scoring ability will improve when the receiving corps is back to strength.

They'd better, or it will be another long offseason for the perennially tortured Vikings' fans.

2. The Dallas Cowboys
Oh, goodness me: The Dallas Cowboys are flopping after months of expectation. Surprised? Don't be. These boys must've spent the summer in a pressure cooker with Coach Wade Phillips controlling the knobs.

Well Wade Phillips needs to put his player's knobs in their own hands and tell them to twiddle them however they damn well please if it'll make them play up to their potential.

There's a certain beauty in following a hapless franchise - wins feel like we made it to the Super Bowl already, and losses are an excuse for a good day out.

I would hate to live in Dallas. I think you get the picture...


3. The San Francisco 49ers
Letting leads slip always hurts. Losing games by the finest of margins is tough to take. Missing the chance to go top of a weak division that is yours for the taking is almost unforgivable.

It's a good job the top-brass have faith in Singletary otherwise his seat would be heating up.

Give them a fortnight to right this careening ship, and give the Seahawks and Cardinals more time to lose ad everything will work out for the misfring 49ers.


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Nobody cares...

Last week - on the 16th of September - I turned 25. Nobody cares. Not even I care. In fact, I care so little that I even forgot to mention it until right now. It only sprang to mind when I was asked for ID when purchasing a fresh carton of smokes from my local corner shop on the basis that I looked younger than 25.

I charmingly responded, with my usual glib, that it was a good job I looked under 25, because I was.

I handed over my Driving licence only to be told in sickeningly smug fashion by the pimply short-arse standing across the counter from me - staring at me from behind his grease-sodden, poorly straightened, electric blue fringe - that I was, in fact, 25 years old.

25 years and one day, he added.

I took my ID, paid for my smokes in something of a trance and drifted out onto the forecourt, where, after moment's emptiness, I fell to my knees and roared at the heavens...

Every year is the same: fist-shaking and surly-eyed glares for a week before and after; a frustrating level of nonchalence for everyone and everything that reminds me of the mile that is about to turn over on the clock; an introspective self-loathing that I relish and despise in close-to-equal measure.

Why do I hate it so much?

I hate aging; I believe life has most to offer in youth, not least possibility; I hate measuring my life against those of my peers. In honesty, I know that objectively I have done quite well for a 25 year old. I've been all over the Northern Hemisphere (though not Russia, which is a rather large part of it and an inexcusable admission from my globe-trotts that I plan to rectify soon). I've a fine career. I've earned a cap for my country. I have passable health for a man whose immune system bears a grudge for his body. But I feel so acutely the sense of underachievement.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

With the exception of swimming - an activity at which I am flappingly average at best - I am good at most things - a Jack of all trades as people say. I think it's the best way to be.

My mind always turns to the Olympian who strolls onto the world stage and claims gold at his first attempt. What more is there to accomplish? Sure, set new goals; raise the bar; challenge yourself against yourself. But there's nothing more to actually do. Colin Jackson remained at the top of his game for so long, because he was always trying to be better; always trying to snare the elusive Gold. He never did. And, in an odd kind of way, his career was probably better for it. Failure to secure the Gold aside, Jackson's achievements are unrivalled. Aspiration drove him on because, despite being the very best, he wasn't satisfied.

I have to chase the Gold. I'll probably end up falling short as most people do. And in some way, I hope that particular fate befalls me. Because I'll never give up. Just don't expect me to be happy about it.


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Samaria

The Northern Territories

Samaria sits on the very top of the Moon and there a centre of learning can be found. Samaria is Niua’s great scientific hub, where almost all new technologies and theories are developed. An enormous university stands next to the gargantuan observatory that marks the centre of Samaria. The finest minds in Niua are educated at Samaria – many going on to become monks at either the monastery at Masada or the monastery at Perea.

All architectural technologies, as well as domestic and automotive, are developed at Niua’s North Pole.

Samaria is perfectly placed for purpose – the cold, windy conditions are superb for testing new vehicles and the uncluttered landscape makes stargazing a much clearer experience.


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Perea

Beyond

Perea is the most isolated of all Niuan cities and lies on the Far Side of the moon. Only one structure stands in this ‘city’ – a monastery of solitude where the disciples elect are trained. From the roof of this monastery, a great tower extends out into Niua’s atmosphere, acting as the final projector that maintains the gravitational force field.

Luke Curtis, notable for his role as the final Thaddeus in Niuan history, was trained in Perea as were his contemporaries and predecessors. He was hauled from the shadows of ‘the pit’ to fulfil the duties for which many are trained but one must burden.

The topography of Perea is limited and the monastery is built on a wide flat plane in almost the dead-centre of the Far Side of the Moon. The Monastery is truly huge, and despite making up the bulk of the city save for one or two small out-houses, is larger than Judah and Gadara combined.


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Masada

The Stonghold

Masada is the least often visited of all Niuan cities due to its dark past. Its name means Stronghold in Hebrew, but in reality the city is nothing but a monastery built atop high, natural mountains. The monastery itself is surrounded on all sides by thousand feet drops, into chasms lined with saw-toothed rocks. Masada’s history is a source of great sadness for the Niuan people: in the early days, soon after the puritans’ escape from Earth, several of the chosen fell sick – they were suffering from delayed-onset radiation poisoning contracted from Earth’s atmosphere. So that they didn’t endanger the rest of the population, the sick – which numbered 400 – left the Ark in convoy, travelling far away from the landing site. Their plan was to build a new, separate, quarantined community for the infected, but the feeling amongst the sick was that their continued survival would be a detriment to the remainder of their people who would have to work to provide them with sustenance.

The convoy halted its progress at the Masada Lip, beyond which the ground falls away to nothingness. That night, one Puritan donned a protective suit, exited his vehicle and deactivated every airlock on every other people carrier, suffocating the 400. He then cast himself into the abyss where he was found a week later by the party sent from the Ark to replenish the 400’s food supply. The dead were thrown into the chasm which was set alight. Around the towering central mountain atop which the commemoratory monastery now stands, the ring of fire leapt high into the sky, burning the rock and leaving scorch marks that can be seen to this day.

The monastery at Masada is used as a training ground for priests and clergymen, and all Niuans between the ages of 18-19 must attend the monastery for a year, during which they contribute to the running of the temple and learn their elders’ teachings. No one visits Masada unless on compulsory service, and there are very few permanent residents.

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Judah

The Mountain Sea

The southernmost city of Niua, Judah is also the sparsest populated. With less than 1% of Niua’s inhabitants dwelling in the shadows of the jagged mountain peaks that are home to the sixth projector responsible for stabilising the planet’s artificial atmosphere, it is renowned as being a bleak and desolate place. Despite being the least populated city on Niua, Judah actually has more permanent residents than Masada, but appears much quieter due to Masada housing Niua’s 18-19 year olds serving their compulsory service at the Monastery of 400.

It’s most famous product is Ricohard Callac whose mother fled from Bethlehem to Judah to give birth to her half-breed son in secret, while still labouring under the fear that his blood may afford him nought but deportation; an eventuality she had resolved to avoid at all costs.

Judah’s landscape is largely barren, and the city boasts a relatively small, though uncluttered nucleus that is the most unusual of all the puritans’ settlements. Despite the regulated atmosphere, the warming effects of the planet’s heating system are least felt at the southern pole, and so Judah is brutally cold, despite its topographical similarity to a desert. The cold winds that blow gently, but constantly, comb the ground and plough the sand into wide flat planes that extend beyond the reaches of the human eye, giving the surrounding landscape the appearance of a sea.

Inhabitants tend to wear clothes on their upper bodies and use thicker materials than those in Bethlehem in order to deal with the cold.


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Gadara

The Border Town

Gadara is the smallest of the seven Niuan cities, and it borders Bethlehem directly, hence its colloquial moniker: the border town. The entrance to Gadara is marked by a Golden arch that splits an otherwise unremarkable street, one end of which begins in Bethlehem, and the other in Gadara. Because of this, many Gadarans class themselves as Bethlehemians, and see little distinction between the two linked cities. What became Gadara, was the remnants of Solomon’s “Garden of New Life”, built a short distance from the Palace of David, prior the completion of the gravity stabilisers that would enable surface living. The garden was built over a period of five years, and was intended to serve as a reminder of what the often reticent Niuan population were striving for. Visible from the upper floors of the palace, “The Garden of New Life” promised a better future for his people, and it was a promise that Solomon’s successor would eventually see met. When surface living became possible, the Niuan population exploded, and Bethlehem grew almost overnight. The now common grid structure seen in the capital gobbled up all the surrounding land until it bordered the Garden, which rather than be consumed, was heralded as a separate district, renamed, and made habitable. Because of its jumbled history, some regard Gadara, and not Bethlehem, as the oldest true city on Niua, but due to its retrospective assignation of official status this is not technically correct.


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Tarsa

Trade Capital

Tarsa is an independent trade centre, where all non-functional items are made and food is grown. Tarsa is little more than an enormous field of crops, grown using fertilisers developed in Samaria and by altering the localised environment to maximise crop yield. It is vastly populated and many Niuans choose to tend the fields of Tarsa due to the relaxed lifestyle it offers. Being one of the warmest cities on Niua, Tarsa locals (the Tarsans) are prone to napping and lead the least Niuan lifestyle of all Puritans. The lazy days of crop management have even led to some worrying signs of art being produced to stave off boredom. This has been stamped out, but still rumours persist of an underground art circle.


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Bethlehem City

The Capital

Bethlehem City is the administrative and social centre of Niua. The capital is the only densely populated city on Niua, and is the site of over 90% of all Niuan births. This is due to its thriving population, its clement environment, and the abundance of medical facilities. It is the quintessential “Niuan” settlement, and is not only the oldest, but also most influential of sites. The styles and trends of Bethlehem filter quickly through the six smaller cities, shaping them in the mould of the capital. The City is unique as it is the only one of the seven that does not contribute to the maintenance of the blanket satellites, and thus its geographical centre is defined by different means; by the Palace of David as opposed to the projection towers that mark the middle of the other settlements.


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Look to the Stars...

Over the next week I'm going to do something rather strange. Seven years ago to the day, I finished the manuscript of my first novel. I had decided some months earlier that the only career that would really satisfy my was that of an author, and so I set about trying to make it happen at the tender age of seventeen. The abiding problem, though, was that I was thoroughly shit. My ideas were, and even more so now, world class, but my execution shoddy, amateurish and decidedly ham-handed. I have since revised that early manuscript; added, removed and edited elements of the plot to death,and still it remains a work in progress.

But one day it will be done.

The problem, you see, is that I set myself a rather tall order: the book was never just a book, but the first in a series of six trilogies, spanning 45,000 years of history and future. And so one cannot be finished until the whole plot is set in stone or, at the very least, wet cement.

But to commemorate my first forray into the cut-throat world of literature, I thought I would publish a map of the moon, which, in this epic series, has been renamed Niua, and offer a run-down of the cities that make-up its whole.

One day I hope you and I will look back on this post in reference to the long list of best-sellers I intend to crank out, but for now it is nothing more or less than an insight to the world I spend most of my free time frequenting.

Enjoy!


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How to Draw Tintin...

To celebrate my birthday, which is today (I'm 25 by the way), I would like to share with you this handy guide for drawin Tintin. I'm a big fan of Herge's Ligne Claire drawing style that garnered his work much attention and continues to impress to this day. The cleanliness of his linework is still revered and emulated by many, but has fallen out of favour with mainstream graphic novels, which seem to opt for more pseudo-realistic art.



Have a go at drawing everyone's faveourite Belgian export. Go on - do it for me.

Thanks everyone!


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Le Professor is no More...

Last week Laurent Fignon, winner of the Tour de France in 1982 and 1983 sadly lost his battle with cancer. Le Professor, as he was known, was a divisive, sullen, but undeniably intriguing character.

At 22 he became the youngest man to win the Tour de France for almost 50 years when he topped the podium in ’82. He owned a race that lacked the champion of the previous 5 years: Bernhard Hinault had been injured prior to the commencement of the race and was forced to withdraw. Fignon capitalised on the weakened field and road away with the race. That victory probably didn’t earn him the respect he deserved, and when he arrived as defending champion at the 1983 edition of the storied race, he was clearly on a mission to prove himself to the world.
Hinault had returned and a whole host of young, talented riders were poised to threaten Fignon’s title defence. But the Frenchman was in no mood to relinquish the title he had so rightly made his own the year before.

Fignon went on to boss the competition; demoralising and demolishing the field on the way to five stage victories and a second consecutive Maillot Jaune.
Fignon’s appearance was in stark contrast to the man whose mantel he inherited. Hinault was a tough, square-jawed powerhouse. His tangle of curly hair, swarthy looks and gritty persona had made him the epitome of the indomitable French spirit his countrymen adored. He was rugged, rough around the edges and an uncompromising champion. He was the darling of the press. Fignon, however, wore a blonde ponytail, small, round, wire-rimmed glasses and a terse, unfriendly demeanour. The press couldn’t work him out; I’m not sure Fignon could really work himself out either. He seemed uncomfortable with his fame; disgruntled with the attention; and perennially perplexed by his own success. He went on to add a victory in the Giro d’Italia to his résumé before disaster struck.

Fignon is perhaps best remembered, not as the man who won two successive Tours in blistering style, but as the man who lost the 1989 Tour de France by the closest ever margin – a crucifying 8 seconds.

After losing that Tour, and the Maillot Jaune, on the last stage to Greg LeMond of America, Fignon never again won a significant event. He retired after the ’93 season to race organising, while maintaining his patchy relationship with the press.
Never can Fignon’s name be mentioned without that fateful July day in Paris, 1989, following soon after. Fignon entered the last stage – a time trial – with a 50 second cushion and victory seemingly assured. With the confidence that typified his career, Fignon rode the time trial using his normal, drop-handle-barred bike, no helmet and regular, spoked wheels. LeMond, however, desperate to gain whatever advantage he could, opted to pioneer the use of tri-bars, a tear-drop shaped aero-helmet and disc-wheels to minimise crosswind drag. LeMond beat Fignon by 58 seconds, handing him the title and making him the first man to cross the line in Paris not wearing the yellow jersey, yet end his journey atop the podium.

Well, as much stick as Le Professor received for his loss, I like to think that his tragedy changed the sport of cycling, and that it was his loss, more than LeMond’s victory that prompted men to adopt the same approach as the 1989 champion in time trials.

I believe that professional cyclists saw that epic contest and realised that a grand tour could be one or lost by the slightest of margins. The desire to win had always been paramount, but all of a sudden the desire not to lose in a similar fashion pushed the sport forwards. Had Fignon worn the same gear as LeMond and won, no one would have thought anything of it. Had he worn the same gear and lost, the plaudits would fall directly to LeMond’s combative spirit. That notably, tactical difference influenced everything that has come since. But we should not remember this great man, who did much for the sport he embellished, for that loss, but for the victories, the entertainment and the raw passion he showed throughout his career. Le Professor is no more, and he will be greatly missed.


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The Parity of the NFL Gives Hope for Capitalised Sport...

I am an Arizona Cardinals fan. There, I said it. And what do I hear? Laughter? Sympathetic groans? No, not a hint of it. Not anymore. At best I hear a murmur of grudging respect, and at worst chants of glory-chaser, or suggestions that I’m riding some sort of bandwagon that has, for the first time in over half a century, decided to take a detour via Phoenix.

No the truth is I have been a Cardinal for the duration of my adult life. Being an international fan with no American ancestry or relation, I have little geographical loyalty and based my team selection on the likelihood of me spending time in that state, and since my father; a travelling geologist partial to the desert sun, was a frequent visitor of the annual Tucson Fossil and Mineral show, my excuse to dabble in the culture stateside was set.

And so was my team.

I can’t deny that I as well as convenience, my decision to tie my football hopes to one of the most hapless franchises in the history of the NFL was compounded by aesthetics, and the Cardinals’ visually pleasing combination of a passionate red, and traditional white had me hooked. My fate was tied to the desert birds, and my wallet to the imaginations of their kit designers, which thus far have not failed to impress.

So imagine my joy (albeit tarnished by a smothering blanket of disbelief that never truly lifted until the wintry morning of February 2nd) when the luckless franchise of seasoned ridicule found themselves one game away from winning it all. Of course history recalls that they fell at the final hurdle, but they so very nearly did not.

Kurt Warner’s performance, a consummate one that was typical of his stellar season, was surely of MVP calibre, and barring any last second aerial acrobatics from the high-flying Larry Fitzgerald, would have landed him a new Cadillac and the prestigious honour of being the only quarterback to lead two different teams to Superbowl victory (he won with the St. Louis Rams after the ’99 season. Ironically, St. Louis was the former home of the Cardinals, as well as their seasoned signal caller).

Fitzgerald, although quiet for the first half, exploded in the fourth quarter, and with the help of some precision passing from number thirteen, very nearly rallied his blissfully naïve, and refreshingly upstart team to victory. You see, the magic of this run was that popular opinion dictated that the Cardinals should not have even come so close. Frustratingly, they won the game on nearly every front except the one that matters, and this is an exceptional testament to the parity of the NFL, and of the truly inspired foundations on which the league is built.

Love it as I do, I can not deny that the NFL is an ingenious capitalist behemoth. Teams are founded on a supply and demand basis, and the loyalty to the town continues only as long as the ringing of the cash registers. And does this detract from the purity of the sport? Not in the slightest. It does in fact enhance it. The stable environment in which the worst teams can continue to thrive is an assurance that the league will always generate ticket sales. The lack of a relegation system prevents crowd alienation or the collapse of a brand, and the inverse draft selection that sees the worst team from the previous season select the top rated college prospect aims to establish a year in, year out equilibrium that is intent on providing fair competition for the paying public.

Put simply, there is no Charlton Athletic in the NFL. And despite their chromatic similarity to my beloved birds that is just as well.

In a league that thrives on statistics and records, team and individual performance over decades, not minutes, it is essential that the teams remain constant.

And last year, after fifty two years of drought, the literal and metaphorical kind, a storm of optimism broke above Phoenix. The NFL’s oldest franchise, having journeyed across the continent from humble beginnings as the Racine Cardinals, playing out of Chicago in faded red hand-me-down uniforms, to the now sold-out-every-week, state-of-the-art, pride-of-the-league-and-rightly-so stadium finally tasted the sanguinity of February rain, falling from the heavens of Tampa Bay, and soaking their red and white uniforms, that on that special day bore the emblem of Superbowl XLIII.

They are proof that the NFL’s system works. They are proof that the impossible is possible. They are warriors of hope, and the creditors of long disappointed fanaticism. But more than anything, regardless of the seemingly inevitable result of Superbowl XLIII, they are the heroes of sport, and for me justify the money modern athletes are paid to ply their trade. In an age where the dominance of our indigenous sports teams is orchestrated by the laxity of the owners’ purse-strings, the NFL’s salary cap, and the multi-partisan draft that despite America’s game’s capitalist engine, is refreshingly left-wing, ensures that the West Broms, and the Stoke Cities, and the consistently mid-table Fulhams can fly from obscurity and taste the fruit of success.

And so I turn to the common question: Is there a place for the salary cap in British sport? Unfortunately, I learn towards the negative, but not because I don’t believe it would work, or that it would benefit our established institutions, but because our culture is simply not clear-minded enough to implement a ground-up system that, in the case of the states, has taken years to refine, and was only possible because of the brave-new-world’s advanced starting point.

When the first pioneers of the wild frontier stood before their own blank canvas, they were armed with years of experience. They knew and understood their capabilities. They dreamed of a bright new world, where the detritus of failed experiments were non-existent, because what their successful brethren had proved as revolutionary, was now to them base and common. They had a head start, not in time, but in an avoidance of error, and they were able to implement a structure that is, for our muddled and interwoven society of polarisation, untenable and almost unpalatable.

For some reason, the Brits dislike the sterility of the American dream. It’s too shrink-wrapped, too plastic. It has no culture of its own. So what if some say it’s perfect; it still doesn’t amount to character. And that’s what the Brits love. It can be gritty, gnarled, battered to kingdom come, and even categorically crap, but guaranteed, if it shows a stiff upper lip and sticks it to some foe it really shouldn’t be sticking it to, it’s deemed alright by the plucky British public.

The ignorant masses refer to American Football as Rugby in pads; grossly derogatory for any fan or player of gridiron for its sheer idiocy. It prompts a swelling tempest of rage that would beach the QE2, and still have enough wind power to blow dry Elizabeth Royal’s Barnet.


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The Adventures of Claude Bastion...

It is the morning time. A sleepy French village, crooked in construction, and jumbled in arrangement awaits the waking of its premier resident.

Claude Bastion.

Claude awakes. Less than a metre (approximately 30cm or, in England/the civilised world, a solid imperial foot) from his face, a horizontal chin up bar extends from his headboard. He grasps it with his many fists, curling his hairy knuckles around the cold steel, as he wrap his leonine jaws around the inner thigh of Aphrodite should she be foolish enough to dress provocatively in his presence. He does one thousand reps. He sweats out an iridescent compound that contains any rogue traces of oestrogen, and the surplus uranium produced by the radioactivity of his sperm.

He does not take a shower.

He gets out of bed and takes a crisp white shirt from his sparse and efficient wardrobe. He stands prone in front of a shuttered window and buttons his shirt slowly and deliberately. This is the calm before the storm. He takes one measure step forward, throws open the shutters, rips his newly buttoned shirt from his rippling torso and, every fibre in his body trembling with an insubordinate level of primal fury, roars:

“Bastion!”

A thousand white doves take flight from a nearby fountain. A hundred virgins swoon (this is much more impressive than it sounds as there are few virgins over the legal age of consent within a sixty five kilometre radius of Claude bastion at any one time).
He leaves his house and drives to work in an original 1966 Alfa Romeo Spider (Red). He parks up, neatly; equidistant from either white line. He storms into the office, tattered shirt fluttering around his tanned torso. The secretaries, four of them, greet him with a smile and a wave. They know what is coming. They are. He makes love to them all, one after the other, sometimes two at once. They finish. He does not. He can not. He leaves, not bothering to clean them up, and they do not mind. They are glad of it. He sits down at his desk and opens CAscade.

This is the adventure of Claude Bastion.

By Nudds


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Fate is a Funny Thing...

Fate is a funny thing. Whether it exists or not has been a bone of contention since the dawn of time. Or fate. Whichever came first. One thing is certain, though: if fate does exist then everything we do is for the greater good. That’s not to say that everything is decided, or that our lives our mapped out in one direction, or even that fate’s conclusion is fixed, but it is to accept that whatever we choose to do, and it is a choice, is moving us and the world towards a point of finality.

And too often people cry that fate cannot exist. Why? Because bad things happen, and because sometimes dreams just don’t come true. But so what? It isn’t fate’s job, nor has it ever been, to make people’s lives better, only significant.

So what of the beggars? What of the poor? What of the check-out chicks, hairdressers and poets? Where do they fit in? How can fate exist when people live and die and do nothing else? How are they important? The little people. What part do they play?

Well they are just as important as the Hitlers and Churchills. Because of thread of association that runs through the rich tapestry of fate and time, everyman is linked by every other man in a tangled web of influence that can reach any other soul in a few moves.

The brightest threads of the tapestry stand out only when set against a pastel background. Which colours are more important? There is no distinction. They are equal parts of the same whole.

And so Joe Smith may never have been to war; he may never have won the World Cup, landed on the moon or written the constitution of a brave new world, but he may have been the one to suggest to fate’s more prominent tool that he or she should take the first, second or third step on the road that was to lead them to greatness. Or maybe he knew somebody who knew somebody who knew somebody who knew somebody famous, or influential or important to fate’s divine plan. Maybe he touched somebody, anybody, in a way that moved mountains further down the line. Like the beating of a butterfly’s wings, and the resulting tsunami thousands of miles away, the effect of actions, however small, permeate the population and snowball until the culmination is revered as a great moment in time: the falling of the Berlin wall, the 9/11 attack, the election of Barrack Obama. Were these events chance? Or is nothing chance? Is everything influenced by everything else?

The thought that time has thrown up, and continues to throw up, contrasting characters that have squared-off on a world stage seems too clichéd to believe, and yet it happens, time and time again – the Hitlers and the Churchills. Is it coincidence that they existed to fight each other? Or is nothing down to chance.

Consider that just one erroneous movement of your father would have reshuffled his sperm to the extent that you never would have existed. And the same is true of everyone. One step away from none existence. And so when the world provides us with legendary heroes and villains, we should ask ourselves: is it possible that these men couldn’t have existed? Or is it more likely that their existence is necessary. Not for you or for me, but for fate.

Everything happens for a reason.

Everything.


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NFL Preview: Washington Redskins

Donovan Mcnabb has taken over from where Jason Campbell never quite got to.

Make any sense?

Campbell is clearly a good Quarterback, but right from his first days as a pro he was forced to re-learn the playbook on a yearly basis due to the incredibly rapid and disruptive turnover of coaching staff in the capital. He was never able to settle and mature in an offensive system that was not built for him, but for the team.


McNabb has enough experience and self-confidence to walk into a west-coast set-up and get on with the job. The offense will be tailored around the seasoned pro in a way that the staff never felt comfortable to do with Campbell, who will suit up in Black and Silver this year as unquestioned starter of the Oakland Raiders.

The moves made by Washington this offseason really highlight the imperativeness of hiring the correct personnel in the NFL. Campbell is a great player, but he didn’t fit. And so he had to go.

The same could be said of Brady Quinn, but as time goes on it is looking like the only thing that Quinn might not fit with may be the NFL.

I wonder if the redskins can do anything this year? I see them as an impressive 9-7 team, winning a few they didn’t deserve and losing a few by the same token. I still think they will finish bottom in a divisison I predict to feature four positive records.

Give them a year and we may see an aging McNabb make a dying push for that elusive ring a la Favre and Elway, who both wanted to go out on a high. He deserves it and so do the fans of the Redskins.

The season kicks off on the 9th of September. Buckle-up: it’s gonna be one hell of a ride…

R. Jay Nudds


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NFL Preview: Tennessee Titans

Jeff Fisher is awesome. Why? The moustache; the shades; the inability to make an excuse for himself when his team underperforms; the love and respect of his players; and an indomitable, never-say-die attitude that saw the Titans recover from an abysmal start to last season to finish a mind-blowing 8-8. There is no sarcasm in the assessment of that record: they were down and out and it looked like Fisher’s long-running tenure as top-dog in Nashville was coming to a close.

Then, on the back of stellar performances from Chris ‘CJ2K’ Johnson and up-and-down QB Vince Young, the team finished the season on a hot streak and. remarkably, had a mathematical shot at the playoffs come the final fortnight.


The miracle failed to materialise in the form of a post-season berth, but confidence was jacked-up and faith in Fisher was higher than in any other coach to lead a talented team to an 8-8 and miss the playoffs.

So what can we expect from the boys in light blue this time around? Chris Johnson has told us all to prepare ourselves for another rollicking season in which he intends to rush for 2,000+ yards. That would be nice. Vince Young is looking like a Pro now, going into his fifth year, while draft contemporary Matt Leinart is floundering in Arizona.

Young is mature enough to carry the weight of responsibility levied on an NFL Quarterback. The receivers are largely anonymous, but good enough distractions for a team that will score many of its points through the combination of legs and feet: both Young and Johnson are electrifying runners – in fact, Young is probably the most mobile starting QB in the National Football League given that Michael Vick is behind Kevin Kolb on the Eagles’ depth chart – and Rob Bironas is one of the best long-range kickers and cool under pressure.

A Wild Card spot would be a medal of honour for a team that must face the Indianapolis Colts and Houston Texans twice a year. If they make it to the post season, they will have earned their ticket.


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NFL Preview: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Bucs finished last season strong, and there’s no reason to assume that they won’t be a tighter outfit this term. Unfortunately for this young, rebuilding franchise, they share a division with the World Champions, one of the best teams to miss out on the playoffs last year and a team whose running backs can inflict some serious pain on an inexperienced D-line.


Raheem Morris has put the fate of the team in young QB Josh Freeman. Born in 1988, Freeman was only 15 when the Bucs last tasted the sweet nectar of success in early 2003. Now it’s his responsibility to anchor this occasionally prolific, frequently misfiring offence on the road back to glory.

With a talented Running Back in Earnest Graham, Freeman can expect a little more time in the pocket which will do nothing but aid his development which, despite a TD-INT rate of 10-18, looks to be coming along nicely.

The Bucs have been vocally optimistic about the progress made in OTAs and are expecting some exciting things from the team this year. I do not doubt they will be involved in exciting games, but whether they win all that many is less certain.

I think 6-7 wins would be a realistic and encouraging target for a team that must surely expect to finish as the foundation of the NFC South.


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NFL Preview: St Louis Rams

It almost agonising to think about the record the Rams may be in possession of come the close of this season: 2-14; 1-15; or even, dare I say it, 0-16?

I think 2-3 wins is likely for this team who have to hope Steven Jackson pulls off some huge performances and that they catch some unfortunate team off-guard. Steve Spagnolo is a great guy and has a brilliant football mind (as demonstrated with the New York Giants’ victory over the New England Patriots at the end of the 2007 season), and I think, given time, he will be a great head coach.


St. Louis are probably a couple of years of effort away from being totally competitive. Sam Bradford gives them the face of the franchise and Jackson a Pro Bowl Vet. But there aren’t many more big names on this withered team.

Draft high and spend big in Free Agency would be my suggestions, and with next year looking like it might be an uncapped season, the Rams could get better fast.

This year, though, they will be the worst team in the NFL. Again.


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NFL Preview: Seattle Seahawks

Pete Carroll enters the NFL after a decade-long absence that has seen him hit the highs and lows of the college game. After his largely successful – if currently controversial – time with the USC Trojans, Carroll felt ready to step back into the professional leagues and take over his first NFC team.

Carroll previously coached the Jets and Patriots and is known for his energy and enthusiasm; two things the Seahawks lacked under Jim Mora Jr.


The days of Shaun Alexander carrying the ‘Hawks to the Superbowl and making an appearance on the cover of Madden are long gone. Matt Hasselbeck is approaching his hundredth birthday (despite only being 34) and the once roaring Qwest field has been quiet of late, instigating the untrue rumour that the 12th man (the famous Seattle crowd) had taken his own life.

The Seahawks may have beautiful jerseys, but their record over the last few seasons has been anything but. Under Mora the Seahawks were aimless and impotent – the hope is that Carroll can inject some of his trademark buoyancy to a team that, with the decline of division rivals and current champions, the Arizona Cardinals, have a real chance of going from hopeless to hopeful in the space of a season.

The Hawks have been decent in the playoffs when they’ve been there, so who knows of what sort of a run this solid, if unremarkable team, might be capable.


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NFL Preview: San Francisco 49ers

The 49ers have been almost totally rubbish for the past few years. Frank Gore has been their one real bright spot on offence, while Patrick Willis has been domineering on D. They have a real chance to win the division this year (the NFC West) now that the Cardinals have been forced to restructure after the announcement of Kurt Warner’s retirement following this year’s playoff loss to eventual Superbowl champions, New Orleans.


The 49ers have a good core, a talented young receiver in Michael Crabtree, a QB who is finally getting to grips with his No. 1 draft pick status and a coach whose impassioned outbursts and no-nonsense approach to prima donnas on his roster is gradually impacted the philosophy in California.

They are getting better all over and this year should mark their return to the playoffs. By playing in what is probably the weakest division in the NFC they have to win the West to guarantee a playoff berth – it is likely the two Wild Card spots will be filled by teams from the North (the packers, maybe), the South (the Falcons) and maybe the East (any one or two of Philadelphia, New York or Washington).

Win it they must, and win it they shall. And, in the process condemn my beloved Cardinals to a long offseason.


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NFL Preview: San Diego Chargers

Will you WIN it already? I’m getting thoroughly sick of the Chargers January implosions. How good does a team have to be to win the Superbowl? Very. How lucky does a team have to be to win a Superbowl? Incredibly. The San Diego Chargers are not lucky; they a positively unlucky. Over the last decade they have boasted some of the league’s top talent. Their QB is a perennial pro-bowl selection; their running game has been league-leading; their defence lights out.

So what’s the problem?


Coaching: can’t be – the Chargers make it through the regular season with an almost mandatory accrual of 10+ wins. They have backbone and guile over 17 weeks – you can thank adequate preparation on the coach’s part for that kind of consistency, so what is it?

Post season weather: this is a possible cause for their inability to win when it matters. San Diego are a serious warm weather team, but other warm weather teams (the Cardinals most recently) have made it to the big game, playing away from home. Looking over the stats, though, in recent years almost all Superbowl constituents have been from wintry environments (the Steelers, the Giants, the Patriots, with the Colts and Saints exempt for playing indoors), so it is possible this trend has some ground, but I think it more likely to be a fluke.

Pressure: here it is – got to be. San Diego has never won a Superbowl despite having some supremely talented teams in its history. Dan Fouts; Kellen Winslow; Lance Alworth – these players and their legacies deserve championships.

Will this year be the year? Maybe – I’ve got them in the top four AFC teams, but they need to get off to a fast start to build confidence in regards to their new identity.


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NFL Preview: Pittsburgh Steelers

With ‘Big Ben’ Roethlisberger suspended for six games for violating the league’s personal conduct policy, the Steelers could be facing a season in the doldrums.


Fortunately, though, their back-ups are all performing well in the preseason. Byron Leftwich is a tasty number two and seems much better these days than he ever did in Jacksonville. The Steelers will certainly win in Roethlisberger’s absence, but whether they will be able to win enough – most notably the intra-divisional games against the Ravens and Bengals – remains to be seen. These games will likely decide the outcome of the Steelers’ season. If they come out with a winning record from those key match-ups they could sneak the division title, but I doubt they will. I think that this team, talented and experienced as it is, will be forced to settle for a close-third in the AFC North and have to watch the playoffs unfold from Pennsylvania.

Tomlin has enjoyed a vibrant start to his head-coaching career, after inheriting a loaded team from Cowher and steering them back to the top after two seasons in charge. It’s time for the mandatory slump, I’m afraid…


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NFL Preview: Philadelphia Eagles

McNabb has gone and now Kolb rules the roost.

Or eerie…

Or whatever you want to call the place the Eagles currently occupy…

It isn’t the wilderness – they are far from uncompetitive; it isn’t the top of the NFC East – that spot’s occupied by the Cowboys; it isn’t even a building site – they have a perfect blend of youth and experience and have a great chemistry in the team.


They are Wild Cards in every sense of the word. They are explosive, aggressive and talented, but prone to weeks of utter tripe. Kolb is immensely gifted and his young receivers are devastatingly good at what they do. Can they get out of the regular season still standing, though? I think they will struggle unless they can top the Cowboys. I see both the Packers and Vikings hanging around deep into January and the Falcons look good to me for the second WC spot, but that’s the one the Eagles should focus on steeling from the Georgians.

And if any team can do it, a team coached by Andy Reid, who of all active NFC coaches has compiled the best win percentage (Belichick of the NE Patriots owns the overall league record), and boast a 10-8 playoff record. He’s used to success in the winter, but this one could be yet another of discontent should the Eagles’ rivals step-up their game as predicted.

Probable outcome? On the outside looking in…next year will be theirs…


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NFL Preview: Oakland Raiders

I’ve a feeling that the Oakland Raiders mean business this season…

Their draft selections of recent years have been boom or bust prospects – all of which busting in pretty spectacular fashion – but this year was different. Also, by admitting defeat with JaMarcus Russell and severing ties with the LSU man (who turned-out to be an extortionately priced burger-disposal unit) and bringing Jason Campbell in from the Redskins to manage an offence that has a few weapons in the short and long games, the board are showing a maturity that is being welcomed by the fans, who were growing tired of the attempted quick-fix solutions.


The new-look Raiders are taking their time to rebuild on solid foundations. They might not set the league alight this year, but they will be capable of challenging for their division over the next three seasons as their continued strengthening on either side of the ball attracts some top-notch experience that will be necessary for the Silver and Black to depose incumbent division toppers, the San Diego Chargers.

This year should see them win around 6-8 games (tops), but that will be a complement to an increased level of competitiveness that will fuel confidence for next season.

Madden may be gone, but the Raiders may be on the road to success…


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NFL Preview: New York Jets

The Jets are the team of the moment. Rex Ryan has put this team back where it belongs – in contention for the title.

It is a beautiful coincidence that Ryan – possibly the brashest, foulest-mouthed, cockiest coach in the league – wound-up in New York, coaching the team that Joe Namath famously guaranteed would triumph in Superbowl III despite being huge underdogs.

The Jets rode that persona all the way to an AFC Championship loss to the Colts last season and despite only getting into the playoffs, because the Colts – having won more than was necessary to advance – pulled their starters in week 16 and effectively let the Jets win, they kept on winning once there. In fact, they beat the Chargers, who were widely tipped to go all the way having entered the playoffs on the back of the league’s longest win-streak.


So can the Jets live up to the hype?

I think they’ll do alright this year. There is no doubting they’ve gotten better. They’ve added Jason Taylor from the Dolphins and Antonio Cromartie from the Chargers who, when playing alongside the currently quibbling Darelle Revis, will form 50% of the league’s best CB tandem. They’ve picked-up future Hall of Fame back, LaDanian Tomlinson from San Diego and Santonio Holmes from the Steelers. Tomlinson has been one of the best in the league for the last decade and the engine in the Chargers machine. Holmes was Superbowl XLIII MVP and adds some much-needed depth to the receiving corps.

Mark Sanchez needs to step-up in his second year, but he showed flashes of being the real deal last term, so I think he might get away without too much of a slump.

This team should finish around 11-5 and be neck and neck with the Pats for the AFC East title. Anything better than 11 wins should be enough for the division and earn them automatic qualification for the playoffs.

Go green!


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