Oldhamisms!

I used to work with this guy, who, for the sake of argument, we'll call 'John' Oldham. Every so often, John - the permatanned god that he was - would come out with an absolute gem. I started compiling them for my retrospective amusement and here they are for all to see:

“I could do more keepy-uppys than Phil Neville.”

“If I was a Premiership footballer, I’d score a couple of goals…at least.”

“Somewhere, in Nepal, right, there’s a man with two penises and one of them is on his back.”

“There’s only one gay in West Kirby. Fact…Except for the guy who has had sex with him.”

“If a man can be a tree, a man can have two cocks.”

“I reckon I could well smash her up…”

“I reckon Xander’s a pump and squirt kinda guy.”

“Mint.”

“…” (Response John Oldham gave when posed the question: “John, have you ever taken pills?” He stared off into the distance while the soft blare of techno music wafted from his ears.)

“…No.”

“I have never taken any form of drugs.”

“Read the notification update, but I don’t think it says anything good.”

“I’m never speaking to my team again.”

“I want to work in television.”

“I want to be an actor.”

“If you’re wondering wher I am I’m in 0.5 throwing up and goin the toilet. I’m shivering so badly, totally screwed. I need to go home, but I don’t think I can leave here yet. Dunno wot 2do…”

“I need to go home but I can’t come back up I’m strugglin to walk I’m so weak. This is really bad. Can sum 1 sign me out. Hav I left any stuff? I will take half day hol if I hav to.”

“Did you shit yourself a lot over the weekend?”
“Like you would not believe…”

“If you win a £100,000,000, people can’t expect you to give them a million. It’s like if you had a hundred quid in your hand. You wouldn’t give someone one quid, would you?”

“Pretty much, if we went over this with a fine toothed comb, I didn’t say like…30% of this stuff.”

“If you don’t like someone you should only fuck them once.”

“I didn’t mean it to sound like that…”

“Got any Lazzy bands?”


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