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Tuesday, 31 August 2010

NFL Preview: New York Giants

Eli Manning is a tough cookie – never thought I’d say that, but his reaction to being seriously bloodied in a preseason game a fortnight ago was truly heroic. Sure, it was only a cut, but he was willing to play through the pain – even suggesting a modified helmet that could fit over his stitches.

That’s what I like to see.

He wants to lead by example. The shock winners of Superbowl XLII, the Giants have since done diddlysquat. That needs to change soon if they want to hold on to their better players, and they look to have done well with the signing of undrafted free agent, Victor Cruz, who caught 3 TD passes in their first preseason game.


But here’s the rub: they occupy one of the four least envied slots in the league, having to play powerhouses Dallas, Philadelphia and Washington twice a piece.

Okay, Philli aren’t the perennial NFC Champs losers they were, but with Kolb and a host of young go-getters they are rising in everyone’s estimation. Washington now have Donavon McNabb, and seem to be getting through to Albert Haynesworth, who, to me, is starting to look more and more like a piggy bank by the day. And as for Dallas…well, if they don’t win a Superbowl soon they might rival the Bills of the Early nineties as the best team to never get over the line.

So where do the Giants wind up in this group? Due to the toughness of the NFC East schedule, by virtue of the intra-divisional games, I actually think only one team – the division winners – will make it out of this group and into the playoffs, even though you could argue that any one of these teams is playoff calibre.

I think the giants might finish second with a 10-6 record, tied with Philli and a game up on Washington, and I don’t think it’ll be enough. I think the Wild Cards will come from the North (Packers/Vikings) and South (New Orleans/Atlanta).

Second in the East and an early bath…sorry boys…


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Monday, 30 August 2010

NFL Preview: New Orleans Saints

What can be expected of the current World Champions? Drew Brees, MVP QB from last seasons Superbowl, must contend with the Madden Curse after being selected as the cover-athlete for the 2011 version of the popular game, and to add to his woes, at least two of his three division rivals are getting better.

The Panthers have gone with youth at QB and I think a shake-up is what that team needed. Shipping incumbent starter, Jake Delhomme, to the Browns might have seen like an ignominious parting of ways with the man who led the franchise to its only Superbowl, but he had been far from his best for many years. Matt Moore offers the team a vitality that the talented cast was lacking.


To make matter worse for Brees and co, the Atlanta Falcons, marshalled by Matty Ryan, look to be making strides.

After Ryan’s stellar first season, last season was a letdown, but an expectable sophomore-slump. This year, however, they will be eager to claim the scalp of last year’s victors.

So can New Orleans hold off the challenge and make it out of their division? Yes, I think they can. To be honest, I think both the Falcons and the Saints will get out of this one and make it to the playoffs along with the Cowboys, Packers, Vikings and 49ers.

Who knows what will happen over 17 weeks of regular season action, but expect this: New Orleans will not relinquish their status as No. 1 without a fight. For years they languished in the doldrums; existing in a pit of despair; passions fuelled by false dawns aplenty… And then it happened – they won! And now they’ve got a taste for it, don’t imagine they’ll fade into obscurity.

Sean Peyton is an awesome coach – his influence cannot be overstated. He gets the best out of a group of players, many of whom playing out of their skins just to thank him for giving them a shot. We’re yet to see Reggie Bush perform at the level of which we know him to be capable. Maybe this is his year?

If it is, watch out…


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Sunday, 29 August 2010

NFL Preview: New England Patriots

Brady’s back and his bunch is looking well-oiled.

Disgusting as it sounds, the Patriots in full flight are anything but to behold. With Wes Welker returning from a busted knee, and all star super-stud Tom Brady feeling good about the completion of his lengthy rehabilitation, this team will duke it out with the Jets for the right to call themselves top-dog in the AFC East.


A few months ago I wrote an article on this blog about how tough it was to succeed in the AFC East these days. The Jets are, without any doubt in my mind, the most rapidly improved team in league under Rex Ryan. After last years surprising and, in many ways, fortunate journey to the AFC championship game, the Jets were expected to sink back into mediocrity, but that has not happened. This means the Patriots will have to be in fine fettle to force an emergency landing in New York.

The old guard have gone, and a new dawn is upon the fans at Foxboro. Vrabel is a Chief (sounds a bit rude that, doesn’t it), Bruschi (my hero) is putting his feet up after three well-earned Superbowl victories and an undefeated season, Vinitieri is a Colt and almost everyone else from the dynastic rule of New England is either preparing to call it a day or sitting on the sidelines as Belichick’s young protégés move up through the ranks.

Never underestimate a team coached by BB. New England will have to fight tooth and nail for the win in this division, but I can’t help but think their experience could be the deciding factor.

With a fully fit Brady at the helm, more running backs on the depth chart than you can shake a stick at, and a pair of Pro Bowl receivers, you can expect them to do well. I think an 11-5 record is likely, but I think that might tie them with the Jets. 12-4 should wrap up this division, but that’s a long way from September and with so many stars coming off injuries they’ll need to take it week by week.


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Saturday, 28 August 2010

NFL Preview: Minnesota Vikings

Well, it finally happened – as of August 18th 2010 Brett Favre has announced his official retirement from the NFL…effective as of February 2011, all going to plan.

The storied QB, whose career began in Atlanta, whose name was made in Green Bay and whose farce has played out in the media spotlight will definitely step-down following what will be his twentieth season playing at the highest level.

Favre’s return bodes well for the Vikes who, without him, were looking at either Sage Rosenthals of Tavaris Jackson to start in his place. Rosenthals in particular has been impressive when called upon and Jackson occasionally phenomenal, though occasionally phenomenally bad. With either man in charge, the Vikings go from being one of the favourites to win the Superbowl they should’ve picked-up last year, to a good, but middling team.


Favre’s presence forces opponents to think carefully about the packages they show. His experience is unrivalled and his boyish recklessness, now tempered with a maturity quite uncharacteristic of the man in his heyday, has seen him become a more potent weapon than ever.

Let’s hope young Percy Harvin can get his migraines under control, the entire D-line stays off Star Caps (performance enhancers) and possibly the greatest running back in the game right now, Adrian ‘All day’ Peterson, finds form and gets him fumbling issues under control.

Prediction? Well, this team’s got it all with pro Bowl talent all over the field. Superbowl or bust, boys, Superbowl or bust…


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

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Friday, 27 August 2010

NFL Preview: Miami Dolphins

Gotta love the Dolphins now Big Bill Parcells has control over the team. Sparano is a quality coach – really good. His comfort with Parcells’ position above him is laudable, in much the same way Mangini suffers Holmgren’s presence in Cleveland. You do get the impression, though, that the Dolphins’ almost unique arrangement is somewhat more harmonious.


It shows on the team, too. The Dolphins have come from being the woeful side that went 1-15 in 2007, to 11-5 in ’08 and then losing three in a row to finish a disappointing 7-9 last year. With that late-season collapse excluded from memory, this is a young team with a real shot of making a move this year. Unfortunately, the emergence of Chad Henne at starting QB, and the signing of Brandon Marshall to catch everything thrown his way, have come in a year that figures to be dominated by the resurgent Patriots and the hard-hitting, trash-talking Jets. Next year the Dolphins should dive into the elite.

This year I reckon they will finish 9-7 and miss the playoffs, but Marshall should compile his fourth consecutive 100 catch season and make it to the Pro Bowl.


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Thursday, 26 August 2010

NFL Preview: Kansas City Chiefs

This has to be Matt Cassels year. If he fails to produce and, in doing so, consigns the Chiefs to another agonising year, he will officially be written off as a bust.

Personally, I think it’s a bit harsh to scrap a player’s career after two seasons failing to perform at a duff club. He only has one decent target in Dwayne Bowe now that Anthony Gonzalez has flown off to the falcons. How can Cassel be expected to lift this team without significant motivational input from the coach? This is an exceptionally young team and they need to find an identity amongst themselves before they will gain the ability to fell better opponents.


Young guys playing with heart and fuelled by raw emotion and a determination to prove their worth can be a tough force to beat. The Chiefs should adopt this approach and spend camp firing up the players’ self belief.

They lack big names – especially on defence. But if that unit can work out a way to slow down opposing offences and tighten up in the red-zone the spunky offence might find a few points through sheer grit.

I really hope that Cassels comes through this year. He was superlative for the Patriots when Brady went down in ’08, leading the team to an 11-5 record and only missing out on a spot in the playoffs due to unbelievable competition that year.

He is not a bad QB, but if he doesn’t fare well this year, maybe the Chiefs weren’t the team for him.


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

NFL Preview: Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars are experiencing something of a slump in fortunes. They are, and always have been, an odd team in this respect: never have they had any true stars; real game-breakers; franchise names; Hall of Fame candidates, and yet they’ve always been relatively competitive.

The arrival of Maurice ‘Mighty Mouse/Pocket Hercules’ Jones-Drew has given them a star, but despite his enormous impact, his efforts have done little but keep them afloat.


Nothing much has changed in Florida this offseason, and although the Colts (the perennial winners of their division) appear just as stationary, the Titans and Texans are getting better if training camp is anything to go by.

What does this mean for the Jags?

A long year that ultimately costs Jack Del Rio his job…

If they win more than 7 games I will be gob-smacked. Prediction: 6-10 and bottom of the division, a brace of games behind the Titans.


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

NFL Preview: Indianapolis Colts

The AFC champs and Superbowl runners-up from last year will be looking to avenge their loss to the underdog Saints.

They could do it! As usual in Indiana, nothing much has changed…the Colts must have the most stable roster in the league. Manning and co are back for another crack at the big one and they should win their division and make it to at the AFC championship game providing one thing:

Manning stays fit.


It has always been postulated that the Colts would be thoroughly shite without Manning, but watching the team win and win and win again, you can’t help but imagine that Manning plays just one role in the Indianapolis Pantomime.

Yeah he does – the script.

Without him, the Colts blow harder than the North Wind. How a team full of what most would describe as top-drawer players can be so heavily reliant on one man is beyond me, but he is the glue that holds the Colts together. With Curtis Painter pulling the trigger instead, the Colts will shoot themselves in the foot…


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Monday, 23 August 2010

NFL Preview: Houston Texans

Last season was a revelation. Matt Schaub found his feet and emerged as the starting QB that makes one lament the years lost sitting behind Michael Vick on Atlanta’s depth chart. There’s no doubt that Schaub’s prolonged wait for his shot at a starting role is reaping dividends, and it is the Texans – a team willing to take a shot on a touted career back-up to lead an ailing franchise out of the doldrums – who are on the receiving end of the pay cheque.

9-7 may not be a remarkable record, but it is the best in franchise history. A strong backfield got stronger this offseason, and Andre Johnson – arguably the league’s best receiver and almost an undisputed selection for the top three – is willing to work with the board to get him back on the field with his pockets jangling.


This team are unfortunate in that they play in the most dynamic division in the AFC. The Colts almost always emerge victorious, but both the Titans and the Jaguars are playoff calibre teams on an almost yearly basis. For that reason, the Texans have been bottom-dwellers for the duration of their existence.

Until now…

Coach Kubiak won a couple of Superbowls with Denver, coaching the QB he spent his career backing up to an MVP award and the greatest fairytale ending to a career ever known. He has weapons: Slaton, Johnson and Schaub. And on defence he has a stable of studs, which will improve further when Brian Cushing (LB) returns from his suspension following a positive drugs test.

This team is good and getting better by the year. Credit goes to the management for sticking by Kubiak who wanted to walk away because he felt he hadn’t done a good enough job. He is what this team needs – that, and a playoff appearance.

And I think they might get it this year. It will be tough, but here’s how it could happen: the division winners will probably be the Jets, Ravens, Colts and Chargers, but none are a certainty given the improvement of the Bengals, Patriots and Broncos…not to mention the Texans. Out of those eight teams, six should qualify for the playoffs (and don’t even get me started on the Steelers regaining their swagger and the Dolphins jumping into the deep end with new QB, Chad Henne). I think there will be a few 10-6 records amongst these wild card teams and that it will take at least that to get into the playoffs this year. Can the Texans do it?

I think they might miss out to the Pats and the Broncos.

Let’s hope not…


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Sunday, 22 August 2010

NFL Preview: Green Bay Packers

Here's a team that's flying. How the Packers lost to the Cardinals is beyond even my imagination, and I regard myself a highly imaginative Cardinals fan. The Packers were simply too hot to lose in the manner they did - conceding 50+ points to contribute to the highest scoring playoff game of all time is not in their nature, This defence is the stingiest of a particularly mean division that hosts the Bears, Lions and Vikings. And on top of that, and rather more importantly, their offence is absolutely sublime. A perfect blend of experience and youth, the Packers are marshalled by Aaron Rogers, who is turning out to be a genuine star. I, like many, thought Rogers - a multi-year back-up project behind Favre - would wilt on being handed the starting job, personally believing that it serves players well to get their ears wet early.

I was wrong.

Rogers is, I would say, an easy pick for the top 5 QBs in the league along with Manning, Brady, Brees and Schaub in no particular order. If you had to force me to place him on that list I might put him as high as third behind last year's Superbowl dance-partners, Manning and Brees.

Whoever you are right now, you should fear the Packers. They should probably depose the Vikings and reclaim the NFC North, but the announcement of the return of their former HOF QB and recent thorn in their side, Brett Favre, makes that task tougher.

Whether they win the division or not, the Packers are good for 10+ wins this season (maybe even as many as 12 over what is not an easy schedule). They will be in the playoffs one way or another and I expect them to do some damage while there.

I expect them to do so much damage, in fact, that I think they will obliterate everybody and hoist the Lombardi trophy come February.

There. I said it. The Packers are my pick to win it all...


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Saturday, 21 August 2010

NFL Preview: Detroit Lions

The Detroit Lions have two things against them: one is that they are historically the most hapless franchise in the NFL, and two they exist in a division that boasts two elite teams and a third mid-table side, who have, in recent years, slowdanced with the top-tier.

A team that has endured such an elongated period of restructing could do with being given a break. The Rams have suffered over the past few seasons, but play in a soft-bellied division that has, with the exception of the surging Cardinals, been hopeless. That has, this season, changed, but even so the Rams can hope to be at least competitative, the Lions may not be so lucky.


On the plus side, they are not the worst team in the league. That dubious honour probably goes to Buffalo or Cleveland. The Lions have done well to attract some great players to the den. Kyle Vanden Bosch left a prolific career in Tennessee behind to help them rebuild; Calvin Johnson has pledged himself to the team that setpped-up and took him at number two a few years back; and Julian Peterson dictates a solid linebacking corps that includes some tough-nosed youngsters like Ernie Sims.

With last year's addition of Matthew Stafford, who showed flashes of NFL-grade talent, they should be more effective through the air - a style of play that will be facilitated by their top-notch receivers, who are numerous enough to make double-teaming Johnson a difficult and risky strategy. The addition of former Bronco stud, Tony Scheffler, makes the Tight End pass over the middle a dangerous, and probably favoured option for the Lions.

And this year's rookie standout is likely to be Ndamukung Suh, who went top-three as predicted. He should be a disruptive force up-front and give those linebackers a chance to cause havoc. I think the Lions will pull a few surprises this year, maybe snatching a win or even a sweep off the Bears.

For a team best remembered for the running game of Barry Sanders, expect to see a lot of passes flying around come the regular season.


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Friday, 20 August 2010

NFL Preview: Denver Broncos

Ever since arriving in Mile High, Coach Josh McDaniels has been busy.

To begin with, he got busy rubbing his star players up the wrong way. His intolerance of Jay Cutler's prima-donna antics ended with the stud QB being shipped off the Chicago, swapping thin air for lots of it at high speeds. That act thoroughly rankled Brandon Marshall - the Broncos only receiver to ever have three consecutive 100 catch seasons. One season after Cutler's departure, Marshall left for Miami in return for two second round picks. No one can discredit Marshall's effort last season - he made over 100 catches and consistently put-in the lion's share of effort; delighting, as he does, in gaining a bucket-load of yards after first contact.


So without the man who many believed to be the successor to Elway and his all-star receiver, where are the Broncos heading? For the last two years since McDaniels' appointment, the Broncos have stormed out of the gate with the apparent pedigree of a fine racehorse. But come the latter half of the season they have endured the most embarrassing falls from grace. At one point in the 2008 season, the Broncos had amassed 8 wins and needed just one more result to go their way to secure a place in the playoffs. Furthermore, a single slip-up by division rivals, the San Diego Chargers, would've guaranteed them passage to the playoffs. And what happened? The Chargers ran-in unbeaten and the Broncos couldn't even beat the Bills - a team with nothing to play for - with their season on the line.

No one doubts McDaniels' credentials, but are these late-season collapses his fault? Is there something in the locker room that is ripping this team apart?

Maybe there is or, hopefully for McDaniels reputation, maybe there was. If Cutler and Marshall were the divisive voices, then they have been quietened. Now the franchise is in the hands of Kyle Orton - a solid, if unremarkable leader. Behind him on the depth chart sit Brady Quinn and Tim Tebow: two Quarterbacks most teams would kill to have as young development projects.

Tebow is the likely successor, but the presence of Quinn cannot be ignored as it is classic McDaniels. Quinn's time in Cleveland might ave disappointed some, but he had little opportunity to develop due to injuries, a lack of playing time and no inspiring mentor.

McDaniels kept Matt Cassels on the bench in New England and groomed him to become a QB that was able to step-up when needed and lead his team to an 11-5 record. McDaniels may not need Quinn now, but he is not only back-up, but excellent trade value for the future. With two years of McDaniels' development, Quinn will be supreme and maybe Cleveland will ask for him back if Colt McCoy fails to inspire the Ohio faithful.

Right now, the Broncos are a great team - weaker at Receiver than they have been in recent years, but loaded at Running Back and capable of some pretty tight game-management.

Will they make the playoffs? You know what, I think they might, and I think they might do it by replacing the Chargers as best in the West.


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Thursday, 19 August 2010

NFL Preview: Dallas Cowboys

Believe it or not, this awesome .gif logo is NOT the reason the Dallas Cowboys are gong to do well this year. That reason would be their immense talent, and the abiding feeling of destiny that accompanies a season that culminates in their very own brand spanking new stadium.

Quarterback Tony Romo is on fine form, having looked great in training camp. A host of big, powerful receivers in the tried and tested mould of Michael Irvin will support throughout what promises to be a tough season for the Cowboys, given the wealth of talent in their division.


The intra-division match-ups will be key this year: six games to play for with the division title on the line. The Redskins (now with former Eagles stalwart, Donovan McNabb under centre), the Philadelphia Eagles and the New York Giants, are all capable of taking the NFC East title if results go their way.

After a few years being the nearly-men, the Cowboys must feel that this is their time to shine, and that, given the possibility of homefield advantage in the Superbowl (an eventuality that has never occurred) they have everything to play for.

Their running game is explosive and definitely of championship calibre. All that remains to question is whether they have the temprement down the stretch, and whether Wade Phillips can guide his team through the playoffs where they have previously fallen flat regardless of their regular season achievements.

I think they can do it, well, almost. I'm going to place the Cowboys in the NFC title game, but feel that either the Packers or the Vikings, assuming Favre returns, might be the solvent that unsticks the 'Boys should they make it that far.


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

NFL Preview: Cleveland Browns

Mike Holmgren is something of a genius, I doubt anyone would dispute that. But it looks as if the old adage regarding genius being 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration is true. When Holmgren left his head coaching job with the Seahawks - a team he took from the doldrums to their a Superbowl loss to a Bill Cowher led Steelers team in Superbowl XL - he wound-up in a rather unique position, managing a team coached by Eric Mangini.

Holmgren and Mangini's working relationship seems harmonious - something many thought impossible given the reduction in Mangini's powers. But the former New England assitstant who earned his first head coaching role with the Jets having helped Bill Belichek mastermind the Patriots three championships in four years, knew he had to go back to the start after a disastrous spell with the green and white.


Mangini's respect for all Homgren has achieved over his decade-spanning career at the top is probably to thank for his humility. And now together they face the prospect of rebuilding a franchise in tatters.

Two years ago the Browns looked hot: Derek Anderson (now a Cardinal having been released by the Browns this offseason) led the plucky Browns to a 10-6 record and only narrowly misse dout on a Wild Card berth in the process; behind him on the depth chart sat Brady Quinn - a highly rated QB out of Notre Dame who entered the NFL along with three other top-tier prospects at the same position meaning the Browns were able to snare him with the 23rd pick (at the time it appeared to be the bargain of the century); their skill positions were flourishing and optimism was high.

Then something - no one is quite sure what - went horribly wrong. The Browns were absoultely shocking last year and Quinn, who had dreamed of playing for his hometown team since childhood, was packed-off to the Broncos to duke it out for top-spot with two other starting-calibre QBs as the Browns decided to go in another direction.

They brought Jake Delhomme in from the Panthers and Holmgren's old buddy, Seneca Wallace, from the Seahawks. Delhomme knows now that his career is effectively over and that he will start for a season or two as an interim QB whose experience should aid the youth by which he is surrounded. Wallace is a skilled, but undersized backup, who can put in the odd good shift now and then, but may see more action at wideout than QB if the team requires a bit of depth in that area. Sitting behind the pair of them is Colt McCoy, the QB Holmgren preferred to Notre Dame's Jimmy Clausen in this year's draft, citing character issues as the main reason for passing on the man who slid way into the second round only to be snapped up by the Carolina Panthers at 48.

McCoy is the future face of the franchise a promising prospect. As the Walter Camp Award winner, most winningest QB in NCAA I history and Heisman runner-up, he comes out of college with his eyes turned skyward. Given time, and if surrounded by a talented cast, he could blossom into a great starter, who might be able to pin-down one of the easier starting jobs to secure in the league.

This season, though, the Browns will have to cope with a Ravens team that looks ready for glory, and a revitalised Bengals unit that now boasts the terrible twosome - Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens. Not to mention Superbowl champs of two and four years ago, the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Can they pull an upset and get out of that rough-necked division?

Nope.


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

NFL Preview: Cincinnati Bengals

Ahhh, ha ha ha, ha ha ha...

HA!

You could not make this stuff up: Chad Ochocinco AND T-to the-O on the same bloody team. Forgive my colourful Rex Ryan impression, but please! The football Gods have once again smiled upon us gridiron fanatics and brought a soap opera to Ohio.

And you know what? This is one cast addition that might just propell Cincy to the top of the ratings...

Our next chance to see the dynamic duo in action will be Sunday at 7pm, when they take on Denver away. It could be a good opportunity to give T.O. a few more touches than he enjoyed in his inaugrual, and wholly inconspicous, game for the Bengals.

When the real action gets underway in September, the Bengals will take to the field as last year's surprise champions of the AFC North. Their status as champs of possibly the hardest-nosed divison in the AFC looked set to change, but by bringing a couple of veteran receivers in to bolster a corps that has missed the productivity of TJ Housmanzadah, they are once again contenders.


I still fancy the slick-scoring Ravens to win this division, but the Bengals could still post 10+ wins and could sneak in via a Wild Card. Who knows, with the addition of Owens' talent they could surprise me and repeat.

On that subject, Owens' numbers have been criticised and many are keen to point out he is not the player he was in San Fran or Philli. Sure, he might not be hauling in 20 catches a game (a record set during his time with the 49ers - it stood until broken last season by former Bronco, Brandon Marshall (21)), but he spent the last season in Buffalo after falling out of favour in the lone star state. Need I remind anyone that Buffalo DO NOT PASS.

Owens will be awesome, and so will Chad.

Maybe they can do it again and get Owens that elusive ring his career and ego deserves.

Maybe...

Convince me...


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.

Monday, 16 August 2010

NFL Preview: Chicago Bears

Who are the Chicago Bears these days? Three long years have passed since their last Superbowl appearance that, despite starting the best possible way with a kickoff return for a touchdown from league-lacerating return man Devin Hester, ended in a loss to the machine-like Colts.

Since then the Bears have suffered a slide, while being forced to contend with two division dance-partners - the Vikings and the Packers - leaping from obscurity to become members of the league's elite. The Bears should whip the Detroit Lions twice this year, but aside from that brace of victories, glory will be hard to come by for a team that is struggling to regain its identity.

Chicago's always been known for two things: a run-first offence and a stifling D. Their offense will rely heavily on the prolificacy of Matt Forte, who will be expected to carry the load this season. Chicago have always been thin at receiver, and their desperation to use Hester in whatever way they can has perhaps blinkered them to their great need at wideout. The appointment of Mike Martz to act as guru to under-performing QB Jay Cutler is an inspired move, though. Cutler was pro-bowl calibre in Denver but struggled with the weight of expectation and the lack of talent to throw to. Martz has a great track-record with vital young gunslingers. He has been known to turn a tempestuous character into a title-winning temprement. Let's hope he can ressurect Jay's career so that he might find a place in heart of the windy city akin to that of his idol, Jim McMahon.


But here's the real clincher: Chicago's D is NOT what it was. The heartbeat of their Tampa 2 scheme, Brian Urlacher, hasn't been fully fit for two seasons now, and he isn't getting younger. Tampa 2, devised by former Colts coach Tony Dungy during his time at Tampa, is the best way to defend on paper but is churlsihly hard to execute due to the necessary personnel requirements. The middle linebacker position in Tampa 2 is the glue that holds the whole package together. Lose that, you lose the game. Without a solid presence over the middle, teams like Minnesota, Green Bay and even Detorit now Stafford's at the helm, will gash you down the gut.

In short, Chicago should not expect to be playing deep into January. With the rise of the Falcons, increased strength of the 49ers, Seahawks, Redskins and Giants, there won't be much room for error if a Wild Card spot is the goal. I think they finish third, Lovie Smith gets the boot and the fans are left scratching their heads when Urlacher leaves.


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Sunday, 15 August 2010

NFL Preview: Carolina Panthers

Here's a team that's been in the wilderness for some time. Their lone Superbowl appearance in the early days of 2004 seems a long, long time ago. Their then stud Quarterback, Jake Delhomme, lost his mojo and found himself traded to the Cleveland Browns this offseason to make way for the startlingly impressive Matt Moore.

Moore has youth and plucky ingenuity on his side, but he lacks any sort of experience in either big games, or the responsibility of being the face of a franchise and a No. 1 QB in this league. Sure, he earned his starting berth with a brilliant run towards the end of last year, but by that time the Panthers' hopes of making the playoffs were dead and buried, Delhomme had been benched in disgrace and Moore inherited a role that no one expected him to make his own. Shortly put, he had nothing to lose.

For a young guy like Moore - as can be witnessed by Bill Parcells bringing Brandon Marshall to Miami for the benefit of Chad Henne - having a down-field threat who can stretch the field and buy the man in the pocket a few more jiffies to decide on the correct course of action, is an invaluable asset. The Carolina Panthers have that in Steve Smith.


Smith has been one of the league's best for a long time and, next to Barry Sanders, should probably feature on a novelty rankings list of the top ten 'little' guys to play ball. Despite his diminuitive stature, Smith stands tall amongst receivers in terms of stats and the contribution he makes to his team. Having him around will facilitate Moore's progression and help Moore's rookie back-up, the highly-touted Jimmy Clausen, find his comfort zone should his presence in the first team offence be required at any point this season.

The Panthers have a lot going for them, and contrary to the last two seasons of poor results, have a great deal of talent on the roster - I even picked them for the Superbowl the year my beloved Cardinals got there in their place (beating them en route in the game that Delhomme critics now refer to as 'the meltdown').

Their running game is awesome; with Smith on the field the play can always go aerial; two young, ambitious Quarterbacks vying to be top dog: this team could go places.

Unfortunately they find themselves in a stinker of a division: Atlanta should be tussling with New Orleans for the top spot and leave the Panthers duking it out for scraps. Can they snatch a second Wild Card spot? I don't see why not...

Saturday, 14 August 2010

NFL Preview: Buffalo Bills



The Bills finished dead-last in a highly-competitive division last year.

Don't expect anything to change.

Buffalo are outclassed from top to bottom by each and every team in the AFC East. New England are regaining their swagger after a promising training camp and the return to fitness of Wes Welker and Tom Brady. The Miami Dolphins have a lot to smile about in Brandon Marshall, acquired from the Broncos in a gift of a trade. Furthermore, Chad Henne - who is starting to look like a top-tier passer - will be throwing him the ball - this is a team in motion. And then there's the New York Jets; the team that fell one game short of the Superbowl, getting to the AFC championship game with a rookie QB. The Jets have got stronger in the offseason and are teeming with talented players.

The Bills have...well... they haven't done all that much...

Good news: Paul Posluszny has returned to a thinning LB corps. Marshall Lynch isn't in jail. C.J. Spiller promises to be one of the best players of this year's draft class (though might be wondering if his signing with the Bills has condemened him to a career-long Barry Sanders-esque derth of trophies). They have sweet cornerbacks. Their coach hasn't lost an NFL game since 1999.

Bad News:
Their coach hasn't won a game since 1999. And here's something that's always bothered me: the Bills are a cold weather team, right? That means that the inclement conditions are going to make passing awkard. So you can expect the visiting team to run the ball a lot, and avoid comitting the ball to air. So if you're a home team in such conditions, what's the best tactic? Do you shorten the game by keeping the ball on the ground, or do you - I don't know - figure out a way to give yourself home advantage? Write up a new gameplan that utilises short passes, screens, the occassional bomb to show you're comfortable with homefield conditions. Don't hide behind two running backs week in week out and wonder why you're getting beaten.

Playing a slow-scoring game as the Bills do invites your opposition to strike quickly - and pro football teams don't need much of an invitation.

The Bills need two awesome receivers and some guy to throw the ball to them. Anyone. Take a guy off the street. He'll do.

Don't expect much this season, Bills fans. Give it two more seasons and then you might see the playoffs.

Maybe...


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Friday, 13 August 2010

NFL Preview: Baltimore Ravens



One question always bugs the Baltimore Ravens in the off-season.

"Whadda ya gonna do about receiver?"

Well, this year the Ravens answered that Q with a Q of their own...

Welcome, Anquan Boldin, otherwise known as Q, to Maryland. The 54th pick of the 2003 draft has been to 3 pro-bowls, one Super Bowl and helped the Arizona Cardinals to two consecutive division titles. He left one of the most high-powered passing offences in the league, because he wanted to be the go-to guy - a role occupied by Larry Fitzgerald in Arizona. Well, Q got his wish and he should see plenty of touches this year as third-year QB, Joe Flacco, looks to stretch a previously stout field. The Ravens solid, run-first, pass-to confuse strategy is good for a decent record and a Wild Card berth, year in, year out. But this team was on the cusp of being a real dynamic championship contender. With the addition of Boldin and some slick draft moves, they might be there.

I expect the Ravens to take the AFC North off the Bengals, but I think Marvin Lewis's men from Ohio are not the pretenders many think them to be, and having Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco on the same team can only be good...in theory.

Two teams will get out of the AFC North, and I think it will be the Bengals and Ravens but with the boys from Maryland putting a chocolate chip in the Bungals hopes of repeating.


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Thursday, 12 August 2010

NFL Preview: Atlanta Falcons



The Atlanta Falcons are a team on the bubble. Matt Ryan, their third-year QB out of Boston College, set the league alight in his rookie season (with his very first pass - a 60+ yard TD toss - no less) and used his second season under centre to bed-in to the top level.

He has done so perfectly.

Ryan is a rare talent: he is a ready-made leader; a clean-cut face for a franchise dogged by the memory of Michael Vick (no pun intended); an all-star; potentital Hall of Famer; and a clutch performer. He demonstrated in his first two years the kind of poise and maturity it takes some QBs a decade to muster. With Ryan pulling the trigger, the Falcons could fly...

But this sin't just the Matty Ryan show, oh no. The Falcons are loaded with talent and could make this year a year to remember if they manage to book their ticket to only the franchise's second Super Bowl appearance, following the 1999 loss to the Broncos in John Elway's last game.

They have Michael 'the burner' Turner to pound the rock; Tony Gonzalez to haul in tough catches over the middle; and out on the flanks they boast a speedster in Roddy White. The Falcons can score, and in a division not renowned for its defensive superiority, they could score A LOT.

A Wild Card berth may be their best chance of making the playoffs, though, given they must oust defending World Champions, the New Orleans Saints, if they covert the division and the possibility of a first round bye. The Saints are too well-coached to slide too far, so expect them to repeat and Atlanta to sneak in the back door, with something like a 10-6/11-5. I beleiev in this team - I believe in Matt Ryan. Could the Falcons be suiting up in Dallas come February?

Why the hell not...


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Wednesday, 11 August 2010

NFL Preview: Arizona Cardinals



A year ago the Arizona Cardinals were coming off a Superbowl appearance that very nearly earned them their first world championship. Another division title later, followed by an absolute deluge of points scored and conceded in an overtime win against Green Bay before losing to eventual Superbowl winners, the New Orleans Saints, and the Cards are a very different team.

The face of the franchise and future Hall of fame trigger man, Kurt Warner, has retired. The highly-touted but thus far unconvincing Matt Leinart inherits this young team, but will likely have to watch from the bench while former Browns passer Derek Anderson fills-in until coach Ken Whisenhunt is sure Leinart can shoulder the responsibility of powering the league's most feared aerial attack.

But that itself has been weakened with the departure of Pro Bowl receiver Anquan Boldin. Boldin's trade to the Baltimore Ravens has impacted the level of every-down experience left on the receiving corps. They still have Larry Fitzgerald - arguably the league's best pass-catcher - and the impressive Setve Breaston, but the overall team chemistry has been dabbled with thanks to such high-profile departures.

Whisenhunt has expressed excitment at having the chance to watch this young team mould an identity of its own, but with such a short season to work with, will the fruits of Ken's solid foundations mature this year, or will the desert faithful be forced to wait?

Last year's rookie sensation, Chris 'Beanie' Wells, finally feels comfortable carrying the load. His ability to pound the rock between the tackles might see the Cardinals emerge as a run-first team while the youths occupying the skill positions bed-in. This isn't a bad strategy - the Ravens did it with Flacco, the Falcons with Ryan and the Jets with Sanchez. All three of those young guys made it to the playoffs in their first season at the healm, with Flacco and Sanchez going all the way to the AFC championship game to boot.

With Warner gone, this team will need time to hear its new leader's voice above the din of inexperience and expectation. They compete in a division that has been sub-par the last few seasons, but both the Seahawks and the 49ers believe they have the muscle to oust the two-time champs this year.

The defence has said goodbye to some of its mainstays and welcomed in some aging pros who should add a good mix of wisdom to an opportunistic and vital unit.

If the Cards get off to a good start, a rush of confidence might be all this team needs to gel, but if their offence misfires and they stumble out of the blocks, don't be surprised to witness a sad and undeserved collapse of one the league's most electrifying (if wildly unpredicatble) teams.

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Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Hamilton Tachymiler



The Tachymiler retails at close to £850. For that price you get sapphire glass, a sweet-looking chronograph, operated by tricolour buttons and a see-thru case back with remarkabelc clarity. It has a tough, rugged rubber strap with the Hamilton-logo-buckle (awesome), and an easy-to-read day/date aperture.

It is heavy but comfortable; simple yet mechanically complex; largely neutral but quirky with its red accents. It is part of Hamilton's Khaki range endorsed by Harrison Ford.

If it's good enough for Indi, it's good enough for me...


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Monday, 9 August 2010

Celebrating Flight in Honour of the X Copter...

Human beings have long been fascinated by the notion of flight. One needs only to watch a bird scything through the skies to grasp the sense of liberation that such an activity must elicit. But for man to leave the Earth behind, many scientists and aviation pioneers gave up their lives. Some died attempting to soar, others passed-on before their work came to fruition. Here we honour some of their most notable achievements.

200 BC, China: The earliest known record of flight originates in China when a general flew a kite over an opposing army in order to calculate the necessary length of a tunnel that would take his men into enemy territory.

852 AD, Córdoba: Ibn Firnas jumps off the top of the Great Mosque’s Minaret wearing a rudimentary parachute and survives with minor injuries.

1496 AD, Italy: Da Vinci constructs a model but it fails to fly. That said, many of his sketches went on to inspire the modern helicopter. Genius.

1670 AD: Francesco Lana de Terzi suggests that lighter than air flight would be possible – kind of got the right idea, but his blueprints for a basic airship would have pretty much imploded. Nice effort, though.

1884 AD, France: The first fully controllable airship, La France, launches. Charles Renard and Arthur Krebs are responsible for the 8km covered in 23 minutes, but they have the earlier attempts of fellow Frenchmen, Jean-François Pilâtre de Rozier, François Laurent d’Arlandes, who flew the same distance in an rudderless balloon built by the Montgolfier brothers in 1783.

1889 AD, Australia: Australian Lawrence Hargrave – inventor of the box-kite – constructs a rotary airplane engine, driven by compressed air. Wow.

1899 AD, Friedrichshafen: Construction of the Zeppelin begins.

1903 AD: Samuel Langley of the Smithsonian Institution, makes great strides with ‘heavier than air’ flight. However, his two attempts at flight in 1903 fail spectacularly when his craft proves to be too fragile – it seems he overlooked the effects of ‘minimum gauge’ and simply scaled up the initial mode without bothering to increase the craft’s strength exponentially. Duh!

1903 AD: The Wright 1903 Flyer I is the first definable aeroplane to fly.

1918-1939 AD, the Golden Age: This twenty-one year stretch is often cited as the period that witnessed the greatest advancements in aviation. With wars happening all over the shop, the devastating potential for flight was realised and harnessed by power-hungry governments. Ironic it is that something so beautiful as the pursuit of flight should be used for acts of heinous violence – perhaps it is in man’s nature to overstretch his potential to deadly ends. Aluminium replaces wood; hope replaces fear. Bunkers!

1956 AD: USSR’s Aeroflot became the first airline to offer sustained jet services. After the introduction of the Boeing 707, air travel became safer, more comfortable and the best way to get from A to B. The Jet age is born.

1961 AD: Yuri Gagarin is launched into space. Things are getting serious and the USA reacts by pledging to reach the moon before the soviets. They succeed when the Apollo 11 crew touchdown eight years later. Still, the Russians got the first man and woman into space with a female pilot breaking Earth’s atmosphere in 1963. In 1974 the space race ends. Gutted.

2010 AD: With manned-space travel taking a backseat to purely scientific research missions, humanity seems to have reverted to its old ways and is utilising the power of flight for discovery over achievement. In a similar fashion to the Chinese general flying his kite over the enemy, the Stardust probe, which returned to Earth in 2006, has gleaned some interesting information. Captured in Stardust’s retractable arm was a pair of particles that could possibly be the first samples of ‘interstellar dust’ – the building blocks of Planets and Stars – ever discovered. Scientists are ‘cautiously excited by the yield of the seven-year, 4.8 billion km interplanetary voyage. The particles have been named Orion and Sirius and could unlock the secrets of our solar system’s formation. How bloody exciting, eh?


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Sunday, 8 August 2010

Hamilton X Copter



With the X Copter, Hamilton have releaed a serious piece of kit, be you a watch-nut or Helicopter pilot. The X Copter boasts several design features that are lifted straight from the world of aviation: small silver rivet-style dots edge the sub-dialed face; a propellor-shaped see thru case back; chunky, industrial bolts holding the strap in place - all in all, the X Copter is a striking timepiece.

It also possesses a couple of interesting features. The chronograph is, in function, unremarkable, but its style is superb. The hour sub-dial at 6 o'clock is not only styled as a helicopter landing pad, but boasts a slim, red indicator that is barely visible. Furthermore, the time-keeping second hand is a black arrow on a constantly rotating spoked wheel. These features give the X Copter an elegant and seamless appearance as it runs.

Additionally, the watch has a MTOW (Maximum Take Off Weight) indicator...which is...nice.

The power reserve is solid - around 46 hours - but the watch lacks an indicator. The bezel features several sets of markings, including a temperature converter, compass bearinds and seconds.

A Rose Gold PVD case adds a touch of glamour to proceedings and the EZ grip lacquered buttons used for operating the chronograph and other functions are a dream. Athletic orange accents hark to the functionalist roots of this watch. There is a real subtle dynamism to the whole machine - everything about it just works.


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Saturday, 7 August 2010

The Councillor’s Red March...


A good friend of mine got married today and I'd like to dedicate today's post to him. He happens to be a Lib Dem Councillor for Salford and while working together at BNYM, he enlisted me to produce a series of comedy campaign posters, none of which has ever seen the light of day...until now.

Here's my faveourite - I hope you like it:




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Friday, 6 August 2010

Hamilton Below Zero Chronograph



The Below Zero is an enormous beast of a watch. It is massive on your wrist and the mechanism feels like a live animal struggling against chains as it winds the mainspring. Which I personally love! You can feel this watch working; appreciate the honesty of the craftsmanship; enjoy the sensation of time being kept by the fusion of man and machine.

The watch is available in several colours. My favourite is the black with white sub-dials that you can see at the top of the page, but close behind is the rose gold version, which is deifnately the more eye-ctaching (and gouging if you happen to gesticulate madly in a crowded room).


Oddly, though, the chronograph presents a bit of a conundrum. For some reason (and I can only think it diving related) the two-dial chrono records only seconds and hours, with the 6 o'clock sub-dial running up to 12 hours. An odd feature, considering the chronograph template used could easily have been modified to record minutes on the bottom dial, given that the third dial was removed to make way for the Hamilton logo.

The straps are heavy-duty and suit the cases perfectly. The colour-coded rivets holding them in place are, for want of a more civilised term, absolutely bad-ass.

If you've £1500 knocking around the house buy one of these and marvel at the reaction you get: you'll turn ten heads a minute, but you'd better time it by the hour...


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There was a lot of controversy over the three-handed Below Zero watch that Hamilton released within the last year. I spoke about it here, and suggested that it had a subtle art deco styling. A good deal of people disagreed, while many saw exactly what I was talking about. I didn't realize a little bit of art deco was something to disagree over. Suffice it to say that the original Hamilton Below Zero was an acquired, or at least subjective taste.

Now Hamilton is about to release the chronograph version of the Below Zero watch, and have made more changes than expected. Other than the addition of the chronograph via an ETA Valjoux 7750, check out the subtle changes all over the case and dial. You'll notice that the case has been "de-avant-garded" a bit. The bridge between the lugs has been removed. I actually liked this bridge a lot. It said "Hamilton" on it and look edinteresting giving the strap a nice integrated look. Click above on the link to the original Hamilton Below Zero article to see what I am talking about.

Other than the steel version you'll find a rose gold plated version. This gives that watch a nice look without putting the cost into the super high echelon. On the face the hands have been altered as well. The hour hand is now a thick pointed arrow. Actually, the transition to having chronograph dials integrated into the dial was well done, and the clutter is minimal. Although there is a fair bit of information on the dial, the hands stand out nicely, and I can find myself really trusting this watch as a timing tool. Like the original Below Zero watches, you'll get a large "0" at the top of the face instead of a "12." Nice addition of character there.

There is one major problem with the watch that I cannot seem to understand. Hamilton removed the third chronograph dial on the top that is meant to serve as a chronograph minute counter. It leaves room for the branding, but now I have no idea how to use the chronograph. You are merely left with a chronograph that counts seconds and total 30 minute increment up to 12 hours. What a serve handicap Hamilton?! Maybe I am missing something, but this is curious indeed. UPDATE: I wrote a follow up article to this massive problem on the Hamilton Below Zero Chronograph right here.

The size of the watch is 46mm, and over 16mm thick. On the back you'll find an exhibition window, which reduces the water resistance to 200m from 300m. Pretty standard. This is a large size watch. Which I like. Lastly you will see the new strap options. The original Below Zero has a rubber strap, but nicely stitched leather straps with the same hexagonal screws are used for the chronograph models. Overall, the Below Zero is a good value at about $2000 retail. You are likely to find it for a fair amount less, which is good for a nice looking watch like this that seems to combine diver, military, and pilot watches, retain its own sense of character.

Thursday, 5 August 2010

Schleck's Shuffle...


It has come to light that the Schleck brothers, Andy and Frank, will leave the Saxo Bank team at the end of the season and have a Luxembourg-based team built around them in the same way that Team Sky has been launched as a vehicle for Wiggins.

For five years the brothers have ridden alongside each other, under the management of 1996 Tour de France winner,Bjarne Riis. Despite Riis's dodgey reputation in light of his admission that he used EPO throughout his career, most notably during his legendary 1996 Tour de France victory, his team have never had a rider test positive, and the Schlecks are seen as two of the cleanest, nicest guys on the circuit. Saxo Bank managers have done a good job of distancing the team from dopers: Ivan Basso, the team's GC hope for the 2007 Tour de France, was removed from the race and subsequently fired following allegations that he was in someway involved with the Operation Puerto doping case.

The Schlecks are both potential winners of the Tour de France, but Andy has five years and three consecutive white jersey wins on Frank. He should be the focus of the new team that hopes to add a fifth Tour de France win to the country's already impressive haul of four. Andy must win the Tour within the next decade - his failure to do so would be one of the greatest tragedies in modern sport, akin to Jan Ulrich's inability to clinch a second Tour after his blistering arrival on the scene, and, more heart-breakingly, Colin Jackson's failure to win Olympic gold. That still strikes the British as a gross injustice. Let's hope each and every Luxembourger is spared the same fate by the power of Schleck.

BREAKING NEWS: It has been announced that Alberto Contador, three time Tour de France and one-time Giro and Vuelta winner, will join up with Bjarne Riis on the soon-to-be-dfunct Saxo Bank team. Whichever sponsor takes over - expected to be a bike manufacturer - will have a great deal of talent to manage. Will the Tour finally come to Riis, but from a source other than the Schlecks? Time will tell whether the '96 champion is cursed or not, and for ANdy Schleck's sake, I hope he is!


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Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Oldhamisms!

I used to work with this guy, who, for the sake of argument, we'll call 'John' Oldham. Every so often, John - the permatanned god that he was - would come out with an absolute gem. I started compiling them for my retrospective amusement and here they are for all to see:

“I could do more keepy-uppys than Phil Neville.”

“If I was a Premiership footballer, I’d score a couple of goals…at least.”

“Somewhere, in Nepal, right, there’s a man with two penises and one of them is on his back.”

“There’s only one gay in West Kirby. Fact…Except for the guy who has had sex with him.”

“If a man can be a tree, a man can have two cocks.”

“I reckon I could well smash her up…”

“I reckon Xander’s a pump and squirt kinda guy.”

“Mint.”

“…” (Response John Oldham gave when posed the question: “John, have you ever taken pills?” He stared off into the distance while the soft blare of techno music wafted from his ears.)

“…No.”

“I have never taken any form of drugs.”

“Read the notification update, but I don’t think it says anything good.”

“I’m never speaking to my team again.”

“I want to work in television.”

“I want to be an actor.”

“If you’re wondering wher I am I’m in 0.5 throwing up and goin the toilet. I’m shivering so badly, totally screwed. I need to go home, but I don’t think I can leave here yet. Dunno wot 2do…”

“I need to go home but I can’t come back up I’m strugglin to walk I’m so weak. This is really bad. Can sum 1 sign me out. Hav I left any stuff? I will take half day hol if I hav to.”

“Did you shit yourself a lot over the weekend?”
“Like you would not believe…”

“If you win a £100,000,000, people can’t expect you to give them a million. It’s like if you had a hundred quid in your hand. You wouldn’t give someone one quid, would you?”

“Pretty much, if we went over this with a fine toothed comb, I didn’t say like…30% of this stuff.”

“If you don’t like someone you should only fuck them once.”

“I didn’t mean it to sound like that…”

“Got any Lazzy bands?”


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Tuesday, 3 August 2010

World Cup Round-up: 4-1...



4. Uruguay
La Celeste surprised the world. Diego Forlan, their talismanic captain, went home with the Golden Ball – the award for the tournament’s best player – an accolade he attributed to the efforts of his team. A lot of thanks must go to Luis Suarez: the Ajax striker’s game-saving goal-line hand-ball against Ghana, gave Uruguay the chance to progress provided they were able to navigate a penalty shoot-out – a task they managed with comparative ease. A 3-2 loss to Holland sounds closer than it was, but even though they spent large portions of the game without the ball, the Uruguayans looked more dangerous in front of goal, but lacked the final touch Suarez might have given them had he not been serving a suspension for said hand-ball. They returned home heroes and justly so. Coming form a nation of only 4 million and boasting less pro footballers than England has postmen, Uruguay should not have been able to best giants like England, Argentina, Brazil, Italy and France. But they did. And it was awesome. And I love them. And I hope they win in 2014. Forlan is my hero. That is all.

3. Germany
By far and away the most exciting team of the tournament. Losing to Spain in the Semi-finals really – for want of a better word – sucked. They battered Australia. They destroyed England. They humiliated Argentina. In those three games alone they scored 12 goals –four more than Spain scored in the entire tournament. Germany were an inspiration – a word that has possibly been overused when attempting to describe this team of talented youngsters, but it is no less applicable for its ubiquity. Germany have shown the storied teams they beat a thing or two about organisation, team selection and unity. England should mirror Germany by placing their faith in youth. That said, the Germans are always good whether their average age be 25 or 45. They are just world class, and they deserved their bronze medal, maybe more.

2. Netherlands
Finding Uruguay waiting for them in the Semi-finals must have seemed like a dream scenario. Prior to the tournament they could have been facing England or France – much more daunting prospects (on paper). They won the game 3-2, continuing their superb run in the competition that saw them win every contest but the one that mattered most. Losing to Spain in a bitterly violent display was a low point for a Dutch side that has enjoyed little but success over the past few months. Had they rolled past Spain in the same electrifying style that saw them dispatch Brazil and, before them, Slovakia, they would have been crowned worthy champions and praised for their unblemished stroll to victory. As it is they return home with silver medals, heavy hearts and facing an uncertain future. The Euros should be this team’s last chance to snare silverware before an influx of younger players is needed to fill the gaps left by departing veterans. Coach Bert has his work cut out to restore the battered confidence of the Oranje before they take to the field once more.

1. Spain
The champions scored a record low 8 goals en-route to their first world title and looked machine-like throughout. They did not play the kind of football people tune in to watch, but they did what was important – they won. Their passing game was stuttering but present for the most part, but their finishing was woeful. Villa was unduly praised for his 5 goals. In all honesty he should have bagged twice as many, and the goals he got were almost all unmissable tap-ins and stuffy efforts. The defence, however, was world class. Spain conceded just two goals throughout the competition – both in the group stages while they were clearly suffering from that brutal one hour’s jetlag. With a relatively young side, Spain are the favourites to win the Euros in 2012 and possibly even repeat their World Cup triumph two years later in Brazil. Hopefully next time around, the defending champions will play with more abandon now that they’ve finally got the monkey off their back and put Spain’s name on the honours list. Congratulations to coach and team for a solid march to victory. The team, if not their play, deserved the crown entirely.


Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

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Monday, 2 August 2010

World Cup Round-up: 9-5...



8. Paraguay
If you’d asked the Paraguayans pre-tournament whether or not they’d have taken an eighth place finish, I figure the response would have been a resounding; ‘yes!’ These boys – their frontline headed by Manchester City’s Santa Cruz – have done extremely well, and lost out on a place in the Semi-finals to eventual champions Spain. They had a chance to win to, but missed a penalty that would have put them one up. Spain too missed a pen in that match, but as they in football, momentum is king. Who knows what would have happened had they slotted one past Spain captain, Iker Casillas? They topped a group that contained the disappointing champions from four years ago, Italy. Their efforts have seen them climb the FIFA world rankings and, with a decent infrastructure in place, they should be back next time; playing in more familiar climes in Brazil.

7. Ghana
This team became a favourite of the neutrals. Personally, I wanted the Uruguayans to beat them in the Quarters (which they did), but that’s only because I’m a fan of repeat victories and the pool of World Champions being kept to a select few. I feel I am likely in the majority here, but I believe African football has a long way to go – despite the immense strides it’s taken in the last decade – before the teams are really taken seriously enough to make the possibility of an African nation actually winning the World Cup in any way digestible. Ghana will feel as if they were robbed: in a manner of speaking, they were. Suarez’ handball will go down in history as an infamous an incident as Maradona’s ‘Hand of God’. But Ghana had chances- chances they didn’t take. They will be back and better than ever in 2014. Watch out for the Black Stars: if they continue to progress at the same right, playing them in 2014 might very well be like stepping into a Black Hole…

6. Brazil
Brazil lost 2-1 to the runners-up. They had a one goal lead and looked strong after a first half they should’ve exited 3 to the good. And then they fell apart. Many touted this Brazil team as the champions elect. I never saw it, and must admit I am glad they lost when they did. Contradictorily to my earlier suggestion that repeat winners suit my preference, Brazil’s increasingly boring march to victory has irked me more than any other team’s success. There’s something thoroughly lacklustre about the Brazil teams of late. They have a lot, perhaps too much, to live up to. Sure, they will probably win a couple more World Cups in my life time – maybe even on home soil in four years time – but will any be as romantic as Spain’s triumph or France’s romp to the podium in ’98? Probably not.

5. Argentina
Fancied by many as the team to beat, Maradona’s poorly organised clutch of superstars fell to bits when it mattered. Unceremoniously booted-out of the competition by a German side who made a name for themselves by exceeding everyone’s expectations, not least their own, Argentina were left looking a bit stupid. They must be getting sick of such talent going to waste, but for a nation who lives and dies on the back of passionate, unpredictable characters fuelled by desire and aggression, they can expect little more. 2014 is a real opportunity for the Argentineans, but they need a solid coach and a stable routine if they are to make the most of playing on what is very nearly home territory. Watch out in 2014 – Messi will be at his prime and the next generation will be in full flow.


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Sunday, 1 August 2010

Rotary Moonphase



I have owned a Rotary Moon Phase watch for two years now, and it is yet to disappoint me in any way at all. The power reserve is fine at around 24 hours; the easy-to-read and adjust date indicators are spot-on; the blue enamelled hands are eye-catchingly lustrous; the the slick black roman numerals complete a classic look.

You can choose between either a silver or white dial set behind mineral glass. I would go for the white as it lends itself to the heritage styling. The watch is gold plated and has not worn or faded since I bought it. The brown, croc0-effect leather strap with gold rotary-logo buckle is ludicrously comfortable and stylish to boot.

The subdials are coloured gold to match the case and really stand out when the watch catches a stray beam of light. An additional feature is the crystal glass case back, which reveals the mechanism of this fine and affordable automatic.

Pick up THE HARE newspaper at Night and Day, Bar Centro, Font or Tiger Lounge in Manchester town centre, or the Oakwood in Glossop.

E-mail theharenewspaper@hotmail.co.uk with questions, comments or contributory pieces.